i'm addicted to self sabotaging as a form of self harm. advice?

i've (25F) never been one to inflict physical pain upon myself, but instead, i just choose to blow up my life.

this includes reckless decision making, quitting jobs left and right, becoming homeless, cutting off my best friends and family, engaging in unprotected activities with randoms, completely stopped paying all bills, insane amounts of debt... i've been trying to figure out a reason as to why i do this to myself, and i think i'm understanding why.

one, i'm very emotionally exhausted. i've been fighting depression all my life (rough upbringing, even rougher early adulthood)

and two, it's kind of oddly comforting in a way...? for example, it's obviously going to be terrible when my car gets repossessed because i stopped making payments on it (my car is the ONLY thing i have), but it’s like... if i let all these terrible things happen to me, each thing compounding into a worse thing, it would finally give me a valid reason to... you know.

i don't know how to stop. i want to live a normal life, and i don't want to die, but it's like i'm addicted to ruining everything to the point where life won't be worth living anymore if i continue.

i want to fight this, and i want to win. but i feel like i may be past the point of therapy. i tried a partial hospitalization program a couple months ago, and then i ended up leaving that. maybe it just wasn't the right program for me, or maybe i'm past the point of rewiring my brain to get myself to stop doing this.

does anyone else experience this? i would love any advice. thanks for listening ❤️