My dad gloated about his body count to me

The day before yesterday, I attempted to climb the fence surrounding the railroad in my town to lay down and let the train end my suffering.

I was of course caught, because I can't climb for shit, and put on a mandatory hold. My parents came and convinced the crisis worker to not involuntarily commit me, by providing how they will support and be there for me in the future, the progress i made in therapy, how this is just a momentary lapse, etc. She agreed.

My parents took me back to my apartment, and they started screaming at me. They called me an idiot, how can I do this, you're a selfish human being and how dare you do this to us. They calmed down eventually and tried to ask me what was been going on. I was just honest with them and told them its what's always been going on: I want to end my life because I'm autistic, struggle to make friends, and am a virgin. My dad sighed and started saying how I always talk about the last thing, that I can't keep destroying his heart because of something so stupid. I said its not stupid to me and asked him to please stop being mean to me.

He didn't like this I guess, because he started screaming at me about how selfish I am and that I keep ripping his heart out. He said that I need to join the military and learn how to stop being "such a coward" and that I need to think about anyone but myself for once in my life. He called me a loser, a b*tch and a failure and told me that he wishes that he had a son that wasn't such a loser. He started talking about how unlike me he wasn't "such a p*ssy" in college, that he was just funny and it worked, and started gloating about how he has a body count of 7. He said that I'm a pathetic loser that deserves to die a virgin and that "girls should run as far away from you as possible, you're a freak" before breaking a vase I made in pottery class and leaving.

Just a part of my life I guess. He called me later and said not to take it personally and that that's his way of venting how much it hurts him that i feel like this, and that he'll look for a dating coach for me.

I don't know. My life is so chaotic. I just want to be normal, have a normal social life, just be normal.