Is there a psychological term for this

I want bad stuff to happen to me so badly and anticipate them and sometimes work for them to happen but once they actually happen I hate every single thing about them and view them as completely negative situations is this a form of masochism? I don't get pleasure from wanting them to happen or when they actually happen but I still want them to happen idk why I've been like this since I was a child but in a subconscious way, I used to fantasize about being a helpless doll (not because they don't act, I actually hate that, they just felt pure and beautiful) I used to purposefully run to my bullies in 9th grade so that they will assault and humilate me and I didn't enjoy any of it not even the anticipation or desire for it happen yet I still wanted it to happen and made it happen I even push away chances for actual happiness knowing I'll regret them deeply for months if not the rest of my life but I've become self-concious enough to know that I want to regret them. so does anyone know what might be wrong with me? I didn't go through any actual trauma I don't even recognize my bullying as bullying and I joke about it frequently because I genuinely find it funny I'm diagnosed with, ironically enough, social anxiety with a suspicion of some dissociative condition because I can make "abnormally interactive" Imaginary friends. My psychodiagnostic examination suggests that a certain event where my parents gave me to my grandparents when I was 1 year old for a year and a half so they can take care of my newborn sister made my developing brain feel disposable and started acting like it