ANXIETY, PLEASE HELP ROCD

I saw my boyfriend on camera on Monday, but I was already very emotionally “empty” from the stress of the previous week. Unfortunately, my brain seems to have “linked” that moment of emptiness with his face, so now every time he shows affection, sends a message, or wants to call, I instantly feel anxiety in my chest.

I really want to get out of this.

On top of that, intrusive thoughts started telling me that this is “just like my previous relationship” (even though the situations were completely different — in the past one I was blocked from the very beginning, and here I had many meetings with my boyfriend where I felt love, attraction, chemistry, everything worked). He is truly an ideal partner for me, which makes this even harder.

But now my body gives me the same physical reaction of anxiety whenever he is close emotionally, writes something sweet, or wants to call. I love him very much and I don’t want this to happen.

Is the best approach now simply accepting this state and letting it be? I’m trying, but it’s very hard because it feels completely against what I want. I got really scared after seeing his face while feeling empty, because one week earlier we were on camera and everything felt perfect and full of love.

He is coming for Christmas (we are long-distance), and I’m terrified that I will feel physically blocked or “pushed away” when we are together in person. This also happened in my past relationship, which makes my anxiety worse, because I “know” how that felt and I don’t want to repeat it.

Maybe someone here experienced something similar? Maybe you also felt that “push-away” feeling? In my case, the trigger seems to be that my fear of feeling empty became connected to my boyfriend, and now it activates every time — even though it’s the opposite of what I want.