Feeling lonely and disposable [l]

This might seem pathetic but this year has been the worse year of my life. My best friend committed suicide in 2023 and I ran from my grief in 2024 I partied a lot made a bunch of new friends was barely sober this year it’s caught up to me. I’ve spent this year in isolation, desperate for connection. I ended up overwhelming the new friends and being so scared they’d abandonment me I acted badly. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. Eventually everyone cut me off. Which has been hard i’m grieving my best friend I’m grieving them and I’m grieving myself. The person I once was. Tonight it’s a big event and I’ve been ostracised completely.I know it’s pathetic but it’s the first time I’ve sat and cried about how disposable I am to people I truly loved. I never meant to hurt anyone. Complex Grief is such a difficult thing to go through. I’m completely alone and I’m sat here sobbing. Just wanted to post this somewhere.