How do people even navigate relationships let alone sexuality with CPTSD?

TW for talks of all types of trauma (obviously) albeit not in detail.

From like 0-8 I was exposed to a lot of heavy domestic violence, and exposure (not victim) to sexual violence. Abuse and neglect etc. Then 8-19 it's just been a lot of head-fucky abuse in that shithole of complex family dynamics and a 3 years of psych hospitals I'm out of now at 20.

I'll be real, before I was sexually assaulted this year I already had a lot of issues with romantic stuff. I always got really anxious as a teenager when people would ask me out (it felt like a threat honestly. My nervous system would act like it at least). Couldn't handle physical contact when it came from anything but a strictly friendly notion after years of friendship. Let alone wanting to explore sexually at any point as a teenager nor young adult.

I didn't really have any interest beyond quiet crushes I didn't act on. But I wasn't really sexually inclined as I was romantically yknow? Then when I was assaulted it was like, a lot. Came close to Rape. I don't think about it now much besides days of being scared of going out.

Anyways, since it happened its really gross but all of a sudden like I have a high libido. Not in wanting to be active in any way as I hate it. But just a high libido and having to handle myself but also every fantasy being heavy and grossly treated I guess.

It sucks, I was barely knowing how to date and trying to learn last year. As I knew I was into women and I'd finally gotten comfortable dressing pretty masc and cutting my hair when I left school. But now my sexuality has gone weird and all gross and confusing especially when it's sort of perverting with what happened from this 43yo man.

I really don't know how to unpack any of it. I'd appreciate any sort of advice, I'd always just been dealing with the being physically abused and neglected crap growing up that I know how to deal with that. but I never really had to with this, and when I hit 18 I got cut off from bulk billed therapy. Which is ass since I need it more now then ever since I was 8.