Lost everything this year

spending this holiday season alone. I finish work on xmas eve and don’t go back until the 5th of January. I’m terrified to spend that entire period on my own . I should explain, in 2023 my best friend took her own life. The grief and trauma has really caught up to me this year. I started acting erratically, delusional and emotionally unregulated. It does seem like I’ve been difficult. I spent a lot of time on my own and eventually became very emotionally intense and my friends all cut me off. I understand why. It’s a slightly nuisance situation as they didn’t know me before she died so even though I wasn’t aware I had become so sick, they also never told me (I don’t think it’s their responsibility I’m just saying) I’ve been completely cut out and if I try and message anyone I do get ignored. I have gone to the GP and they do think I’ve been suffering from a dissociative disorder caused by my grief and isolation. Obviously the NHS aren’t the quickest as I have gone around in circles. So now, I’m facing my behaviour, grieving my best friend so much it’s paralysing as she would always invite me for Christmas and we spent every new years together. I know she’d have turned up with a bottle of wine laughed at how nuts I’ve been and been the first to tell me she was worried. I’m also grieving all my friends I’ve lost as I do love them. I also lost my career this year as o became too ill to have a high functioning job. I really am at rock bottom. I have no one and I won’t even get a single text at Christmas. It’s so much for one person and I really am trying to bounce back. I’ve been medication (anti psychotics, mood stabilisers and anti depressants) and I do feel less delusional but all the pain has now caught up to me. All my friends are out together tonight and I’ve never felt so lonely All I think about is killing myself. I want to be with my friend and I’m so tired after everything that’s happened.