So bad I don’t even want to bother anymore

It’s so bad I don’t even want to bother anymore

Married 18 years 42 HLF , 44LLM and I’m sick of having to initiate sex anymore because when we have it is minimal foreplay feels like he’s getting bored and it’s over in less than a minute.

He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and started having issues getting & staying hard so got medication from our doctors which did improve things for a while but it’s just fizzled out. I thought he’s not actually taking it anymore because we’ve gone months ago with no intimacy. Even if we go away on holiday I’m lucky if we do it once, we went to Vegas and nothing happened at all. I thought he would at least try to initiate once there. Birthdays / anniversaries nada nothing just another day. He’s more than happy to receive oral but I can count on my hand how many times it’s been given to me.

I feel like giving up trying because I’m never satisfied so what is the point of going through the motions. I’ve tried talking to him about he said he will try to do better but it’s just fades into the background. I want him to focus on his health as I know that has a big impact on libedo but feels like he can’t be bothered and it’s almost like his health / weight is an excuse of why he just doesn’t feel like it. We had sex last night and I could only tell he finished because he came but he never makes sounds and it’s just so lack luster. Afterwards he was would use a toy of me but I can tell he’s not interested or bored and wants it over it just makes me feel disgusting that I switch off & stop it. He can’t understand why I feel distant today but I just feel repulsive no I can’t be bothered trekking round Christmas markets.

We don’t have kids so that isn’t a reason (didn’t happen for us unexplained infertility) & I do need to sort out my own health / weight. I feel like I’m giving it another year so I can get my ducks in a row and sort myself out. I just find it so hard to shut down that side of myself but I feel like I have to protect myself from the disappointment & hurt. I love him but this situation is building up so much resentment towards him. I don’t know how to get it though to him how unhappy I am with it. I’ve told him directly but it’s just not getting through. If I stop initiating completely am I giving him what he actually wants? I can’t see how he is happy with it either