i tortured myself with playing valorant

yesterday i ( F20) played Valorant for 15+ hours straight. towards the end, i started getting really depressed because that feeling just always sneaks up on me:) i was feeling self conscious about my rank and wanted to rank up so badly so i kept queuing. and i felt even more sadder and obviously kept playing worse. my hands were hurting, my back was aching, my knees were sore, but i kept pushing through the pain and playing more and more.. like i needed to punish myself for whiffing my shots and throwing rounds, for not being good enough. then it turned into not being good enough for my ex, or for friendship, or life. and inside i was spiraling like crazy like i kept playing through a whirlwind in my head. at one point i was straight autopilot where self loathing thoughts pounded me. it felt like my soul dropped and my skin was suffocating me. it was very painful inside and out and i am still aching a day later.

and the worst part is that i could feel myself watching it happen from the outside, like i was split in two. there was the part of me begging to stop, telling me i’m tired, telling me i’m hurting, telling me i’m ruining everything i need to take care of… and then there was the part of me that didn’t care and just wanted to keep queuing.

also yes i work and i’m school (engineering major). i work part time but haven’t been in 3 weeks to “prepare for finals”

and now finals are in 2 days. i told myself i would spend these weeks studying hard but instead i played valorant. instead i skipped class. i know im cooked.

i also have the biggest anxiety over asking a loved one for help. im kinda distant from my family & i don’t have close friends to talk to abt this. i don’t even speak to my roommate 2x a week. i know i need support because i genuinely cannot take this anymore as i am watching my future crumble before my eyes. (how the hell do you ask your parents for therapy when you’re scared?)

sry if this is messy im incredibly sleep deprived

any advice or resources helps. thanks!