I have no meaning

I am a 18 y/o male and believe that my life has no purpose and I don’t think I would like to live anymore.

I’m involved in so many things and to the outside person, I am perceived as a successful young man. I’m still in high-school and to all the parents and my fellow students I’m seen as a “star child. I’m top 3% of my class out of 630+ students, involved in a student government position that is only held by 68 kids out of 4,000+ students in my state, I’m my schools Senior class presiden, Have a good job, am decently good looking (a humble 8/10), have a good physique, play soccer (which I’ve played since young and have became very decent at), have a good social life and can strike a conversation up with a brick wall, and great confidence. But all of that is the issue. I’m good at a lot of things, but not the best at anything. Since I was young I always have had hopes of being the best at what I loved; but I have come to discover that I’m not the best at anything and don’t know what I love. I have no purpose. I feel like everything and nothing all at once. It’s almost as if I say to myself “ If I would’ve worked a little harder, I would’ve…” everyday about everything. And that’s the thing my work ethic is outstanding, yet I’m not outstanding at anything. I’m tired of hearing “I’m so proud of you” from others when I’m not even close to proud of myself. And to those reading this I guess this could sound like a pretentious piece of shit that’s typing with no aim, but the reason I come off like this, I’m assuming, is because I don’t want to be ordinary. I have outrageous goals that I dream of accomplishing, but have no way of accomplishing it because I’m not the best any anything and don’t know what I love. I just know that in order to achieve these dreams I’m going to have to figure one of those out soon; something I’ve been trying to achieve for the last 2 years, but have failed at horribly. The thing is I love racing. It looks like so much fun, but it is too late for me to become a great racer. Same thing with football. Both of these things would be a waste of time in my journey to accomplishing my goals because the likelihood of me becoming anything significant in those 2 fields is practically zero. At this point in my life I don’t see my reaching my goals (even though to the naked eye I have), making me reconsider why I’m on this Earth. With that being said I’ve come up with not one answer leading to the contemplation of suic!de. I’m empty on the inside. I’ve found no long term satisfaction anywhere. Even in the moments where I’m happy with where I’m at/ what I’ve achieved, those moments are eventually masked by my knowledge of being the best at nothing. To others I’m great to me I’ve failed. The only thing that has kept me from ending it, is the fact that I have a family that supports me, especially my younger brother. He looks up to me and wouldn’t want to let him down. Also my mother, she would be absolutely devastated. Yet, those same people recount the words “ I’m so/still proud of you,” but it means nothing because they just say it to make me feel better. They say they are proud but I’m nothing to be proud of, for I’ve achieved what many others have, but have never achieved/ become anything significant.

I’m sorry if what I wrote makes no sense, I didn’t re-read it. I simply typed what has been lingering in my mind for years

Help me Please