Intermittent Reinforcement

We don’t talk about this shit enough. This is the thing that broke me. From my parents to abuser to supposedly safe person, they are all inconsistent. One moment of care and the other of explosion or neglect. Intermittent reinforcement caused hypervigilance, obsession, and intense loyalty. I justified their mistreatment and doubted my own feelings because ‘Look! They aren’t that bad, they do this and that for me.’ When they gave me some crumbs, I felt grateful and over the moon. When they hurt me or disappear, I fell off a cliff and felt anxious. I usually put aside the bad moments and focused on the good ones. I desperately made myself smaller or pleased them to chase the dopamine rush from their crumbs, which is earning their love in other words.

• Safe person would show up deeply and then follow with complete neglect and coldness for 2 weeks due to work busyness and stress, rinse and repeat.
• Mom would cook my favorite food and then screamed, cursed, guilt-tripped, threatened suicides over minor things.
• Dad would make food and drink, generous hospitality when I visited and then gave zero fuck when I stepped out of the door. Radio silence even for years. No message, no call, wouldn’t even bother to see my face when my mom called me.
• Countless examples from my childhood abuser. One moment of warmth and then turned around and called me ungrateful, stupid, or something out of nowhere.

No one was ever safe to me. It was literally just my brain on addiction. The good layering between the bad is worse than the consistent bad. Run away now from any inconsistent person.