writing is cathartic

I wrote something today that helped me get out the last of the pent up anger and resentment I feel towards my DM, for how things ended before separation. It feels like a weight has been lifted, the only thing that would make me feel better is him being able to read it, but I've quickly come to terms with the fact that he never will. Just getting it out into a letter helped, even if it won't be sent.

I, of course, know that I'll still think about him and that he'll always be apart of me. But I think the negative things that happened between us have really bogged me down for the last 11 months. Since August, I've been focusing more on myself and that helped to alleviate the depression separation put me into, but I knew once we reached the holidays (and anniversary of the split) some negative feelings were bound to creep up.

I'm proud of myself for handling it so well. And while I've cried looking at other people's letters to their lovers long lost, I haven't thought to shed a single tear over my own (fingers crossed it remains that way). I was just sat here thinking about the first time I ever cried over him, it was distressing and gut wrenching, even just remembering the way my body felt and the sounds that came out of me is a bit triggering. But then I thought about how far I've come, how much I've completely changed since 2024, and it's hard to believe that was even me.

While I love my DM and hope he is having a good life without me in it, I'll be resigned to focusing on my purpose and surrendering to whatever is supposed to come next. I hope it involves him, one day, but I know I'll be okay if it doesn't.