I wanna die so bad

I’ve made a post similar to this almost a year ago and now I’m in the same place. I’m fearing for results I can’t control. I know I should’ve studied harder, I should’ve pushed myself more. Whatever I get is entirely my own fault and I know it. More than anyone. Nobody can hate me more than I hate myself. I feel like I’m nothing more than a constant disappointment to the people around me. I’ve wanted to die so bad for years now. 5 years ago when I got the placement for my current school, I think a part of me died that day. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t want to die, or a time where I genuinely wanted to live and see a future. I don’t see myself living past the age of 30. I have fantasies of wanting to get married and have children but that’s just it, it’s a fantasy. I don’t see it as a tangible future for myself. Knowing my luck, I’d end up unhappy and miserable or working some mediocre job to try and stay afloat in our current day economy. My life and the future it holds is nothing short of bleak. I get my results the beginning of next year and If I fail and don’t get into the school I need to be in, I’ll do it. I’ve thought of a million different ways for it happen, a million different scenarios. I don’t know why I’m posting this, maybe to get it off my chest. I know this is entirely my own fault, and comparing myself to other people here, my problems are so small and insignificant. It was a perfectly preventable situation. I was just too stupid to learn.