My confusing last name changes – an identity crisis rant

More of a vent than a question but here goes my story. All the last names are real, don’t really care about privacy in this regard.

I was born and raised in Russia but my ancestry isn’t Russian. It’s a mix of Jewish (which is viewed more as an ethnicity than a religious affiliation in the ex-USSR) and Baltic Lutheran (mainly Latvians who switched to German with a sprinkle of actual Germans and Estonians). I’ve never identified with mainstream Russian culture or Russia as a country. My own mixed background made me curious about Russia’s ethnic minorities and indigenous communities, I studied anthropology and became a journalist covering minority rights issues, ethnic Russians supremacism, discrimination and indigenous activism. Eventually, I was forced to leave Russia under threat of political persecution for my work. Unsurprisingly, this made feel even less connection to that country.

All that said, I was born with the last name Alekseev - obviously ethnic Russian and very common/generic at that. How I got it is a long story but let’s say my dad’s ancestors changed their last name twice throughout the 20th century, once likely to avoid persecution and the second time because of a dramatic divorce. This name never felt like it was truly mine because of the story behind it, the ethnicity it wrongly implied I belonged to and really just the way it sounded. I wanted to change it since the age of 14. For years, I thought I’d take the last name Pruss. It’s from the Baltic line, more specifically it’s my beloved grandma’s who influenced my upbringing more than parents and taught me German when I was a kid.

Then I got married. My wife and I wanted to have the same last name and it had to fit two criteria: being a genealogy and history nerd, I wanted it to be connected to my ancestry, and wife wanted it to be as rare/unique as possible and phonetically nice to her ear. We ended up choosing the last name Shabashewitz – a Jewish one from a rather distant ancestor of mine, a fourth great-grandmother I didn’t know much about, and it’s not even the exact spelling she had, but wife and I preferred it that way.

It’s been a few years, and here I am thinking I might have made the wrong choice. First, I’ve been doing even more genealogical research on the Pruss line of my ancestors. Now I have so much info I could write a book on them and I feel more connected to that part of my heritage than ever. Additionally, my beloved grandma sadly won’t live forever, and the last name will die with her – she didn’t have brothers or sons. Second, just a week ago I got archival records with the original last name my direct paternal line had before the two changes to Russian last name – no one in the immediate family remembered it. Turns out my dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s last name was Elterman. If the changes didn’t happen, I would’ve been born with it too.

Now I feel lost. I definitely prefer being a Shabashewitz to being an Alekseev and I’m glad my wife likes it. I probably won’t make another change because I don’t want to upset her, because it’s a hassle paperwork-wise and because I’ve already published a few articles under the name Shabashewitz. But feeling more inclined to honor the Pruss line and learning I was supposed to be an Elterman makes me hate the concept of name at all. Too many to choose, all feel imperfect. Sorry, rant over. What would you do if you were me?