Do you still believe in god?

I'm slowly drifting to a full pagan. First, it started with leaving the church, but I still held on to the belief that there's exists a super naturel being responsible for our creation and life here on earth. But as years passby I've found myself questioning that supernatural being. If he's still there then he hates me and doesn't give 2 fucks about me. He giggles at my misery, has merry at my suffering and he simply threw me to this jungle to suffer and then eventually die. He will probably throw me in hell for his happiness sport. You can't manufacturer something just to enjoy seeing it suffer. There must be an English word for that. Just can't wrap my head around it. And yes I'm not the one who puts sweetness in sugarcane.