Ignoring a soulmate isn't possible forever

I don't know how I moved on for two decades.

I don't know how I married a man and lived with his family and went to church and had "friends" and went on vacations.

I look back and it is all a blur - my life.

After abruptly not seeing and talking to you every day for 2 years, I don't think I know what the hell happened.

I remember it, but it was like I wasn't really there - dissociated.

I don't think I tell myself or you the full story.

It wasn't just that I was scared.

I think I knew deep down that you were more scared. And I feared that you would run whether or not I told you how I felt, even though you, basically, asked, and even though I deeply sensed you felt the same.

That's how it turned out. It was so easy for us to quit each other. So it seemed.

You were there, in my subconscious, but I shut you out. I still marvel that my brain could do that. You were the person closest to my heart. I even cried in front of you...not because you didn't email me back (that would be silly) - because I had come to rely on our nightly talks and had grown attached to you in a way that was far beyond classmates. We both knew that.

But I managed to live as if it never happened. And then one day...almost two decades later, the dam broke. The egg cracked. And now I have been crying for days. It is a cleansing wash, but confusing in that I don't understand the timing or how this didn't happen sooner.

I recall the day our eyes met and I knew we were special. From that moment, we were drawn to each other in ways that no explanation can satisfy. The first time you came up to me and looked so sad at our brief first separation/ college break, I thought long and hard about it and was surprised at the emotions that emerged. I later figured out just how emotionally attached to me you were without actually saying the words. And I felt the same.

So it still puzzles me how we could just...break apart. Just like that. Just because the uncomfortable subject of our feelings came up. Or was it that? Was it me? Was it you? Was it guilt? Pride? Logistics? I wish I knew.

But I've seen too many signs and patterns from you over the years, from a distance, to make me think you've gotten over ... whatever we had. The photos on the obscure website. The reference to our first "date" as recently as a few years ago on the empty profile with no followers. You know how well I know your patterns, and I know you know mine.

So is it just that whatever it was is just too big? Am I just too intense? Are you scared? What is it, really? I remember how emotionally invested we were...and then...?

I think of you so much. I might have been able to carry on another life for all that time, but now? I don't think I could again. I know we are soulmates, and that knowledge makes it impossible to move on. Have you?