It’s interesting that for the first time in my adult life I feel like I know what “happiness” means. I’m almost reluctant to say that things feel manageable now because it makes all my past mistakes and self inflicted misfortune seem so preventable. I’m trying not to dwell on that, but then when I focus on the present, there’s this pervasive awareness that I’m gonna die one day, and unlike before, it won’t be by my own choice.

I’m sad that all this happiness that I’ve missed out on for so long is fleeting. That all these things I’ve feared and been numb to for so long (loved ones dying, being alone, facing the consequences of the damage I’ve done), I have to just live through. I say “have to” because I don’t want to face these things numb, even if the alternative is to feel every bit of it. I’m learning I have really great people in my life, and I’m sad that I’ve wasted so much time with them because this illness has made me not only take them for granted but also treat them like utter shit. I’m now afraid of losing them. At this stage, is it normal to be sad when looking at a sunset over the mountains a week before my 30th birthday, at a college I never dreamed of getting into when I was in high school, especially when just a couple years ago I thought I was destined to stay in a career I thought would kill me? 

Newly diagnosed/medicated… is it normal to feel sad that I want to live now?