everyone ALWAYS throws me away.

since i was a small small child. my father. they all throw me away. i was meant to be thrown away. i do it to myself tho. i cant figure out how to love. myself. which then makes it impossible to love my soon to be ex wife.

im trying to hold myself together. but im in a pretty bad spot. ok well for start.. im currently about to get off drugs. not cause i have to. but because i want to. if im not with her, i dont wanna use. legit. cause our sex was explosive. and im a hypersexual disorder kinda guy. so that probably tells you that i couldnt keep my dick in my pants. but honestly tho. ive recently began trying to unpack shit from my childhood. since before this... decision was made. and im learning why im so SUPER sex driven. and trying to do things to not only recognise the root, but also understand and remove the issues that aid in my decisions to have these causal encounters despite my monogamous marriage. i mean im god damn 44 years old. cheating, lying, and hurting the ONLY person literally in the entire world who at one time not long ago would have taken a bullet for me, is not okay. and i totally deserve it. i sooooo fucking do. i didnt get caught once. it was over n over. and the lies... i made her believe she was going crazy. it wasnt good. and i feel stupid right now telling all yall that i love her cause theres almost no way someone could love someone else, and lie and cheat the way i did. i say almost because well.. ive never met someone like me. okay. in 44 years there was one. but. she was a liar. like i am. but, see, i only lie really and honestly to save my own ass. like if its something thats going to hurt someone, especially if im the one who hurt that person. fuck yeah ill lie. but she lied on a whole other level. like on some cancer type shit. so who knows if she really was like me. and this was only like a year ago..

im not like many other dudes out here.. legit. yeah im a whore. 100% but if someone told me i cant have sex or jerk off once in a week, nothing? i wouldnt make it.

how do i love someone, and really and truely mean it, but not be able to control the constant racing thoughts, the almost impossible to realize when im doing something as a trigger, to the literal tremmors if i try to fight it too long. till by then, by the time im to the point of shaking and bugging out its too late to stop. im fucking a mouth. or a pussy. it literally hurts. and it keeps making me hurt the women who are in my life at the times like that. they dont want no part of it.

would you? no. you would throw me away just like they all do.

im a real charmer huh? well it hurts me too. bad. its so fucking lonely. i have a problem. i know i do. she was helping me to work on it. nothing new happened. but i told her i had already done too much damage. and i was right.

so here i sit. ready to start over. at 44 years old. i dont know if i should look for a swinger woman, or take a handful of pills and be done with this fucking curse. cause when its causing constant pain for me and those around me, its a problem.

but now im solo. and... i dont do good when im solo. at all. i dont have my safe place or person anymore.

im no good at making the right choices. if you knew my mother, you may understand how i tick a lil better. dad threw me away at 6yrs old.

i have no family. one friend. one son i see. one who dont want to see me.

its christmas time i dont have a job. i dont have a clean piss test. i dont have any family. i dont have a heart. my best friend/wife made the best decision ive EVER seen her make throwing me away. im fucking cancer. im worse than cancer. im a manipulative self distructing pervert. and im gonna end up a VERY lonely sad pile of shit. this hhurts more n more every time but this time i really and truely have NO ONE

bruh this shit is so fucking heavy.

as i write this im getting notifications that i owe blah blah blah to cashapp way overdue afterpay.

im so fucked. im so sad. im so mad. im really starting to hate me. like thats a really strong word for me to use towards a human. if you were to ask my wife who ive said i hated in our 12 years of us, i bet she wouldnt be able to name one.

well this repeating horror movie has GOT to stop. i cant do this anymore. im never going to be able to finish unpacking all my childhood trauma shit. i cant do it solo. i wasnt able to do it before her.. i damn sure wont be able to do it now.

im fucked. all the way. no direction. it happened today. im already lost af.

i dont really do the whole god thing you guys, but for some reason somethings like screaming in my ear to ask you all who read this to pray for me if you will. i really need it. im not very strong.

im like a battery. without an alternator. my wife was my alternator. she was my power source.

what good is a battery without a power source? ill wait...

(edited this to keep it from being thrown away too)

i really hope one of you pray for me. and i dont know why i said that again. im really not a religion type of person. im just in a really fuxking bad place and im scared as fuck...