Does anyone else suffer PTSD so bad it gives them suicidal thoughts?

(I’m sorry if this is against the subreddit rules, I read the rules as carefully as I could before posting. Hopefully just the mention of suicidal thoughts isn’t considered a graphic thread title)

I’ve had PTSD over several traumatic events ever since 2019 but my PTSD has been pretty fucking bad since May of this year. Gonna keep this short because honestly it’s too fucking painful to even talk about, but from September 2024 to May 2025 I dealt with eight entire month’s straight of my brother’s abusive behavior. It involved drugs, psychosis, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, and multiple accounts of the police constantly being called and my brother being in and out of mental hospitals several times.

Well since May he’s been what i guess you‘d call “back to normal”, taking his meds and shit and hasn’t destroyed the house or mentally/physically abused me or my mom since. But obviously I never fucking got better. Eight months of constant abuse is an extremely long period of time to deal with trauma, and I’ve had to go to therapy for dealing with my triggers and constant reliving of the past in the present.

I told myself once that if my brother ever relapsed into a drug-induced psychosis again I’d just end my life. I’ve been through brief periods of my brother going through psychosis before but EIGHT MONTHS of it straight crossed the line. I told myself that period in my life was the worst I’ve ever been through (even worse than when my dad suddenly died of a heart attack, I’m not even joking about that).

Well back in October of this year I ALMOST finally did it. My brother apparently took a large amount of Xanax “for his anxiety” and got high on it, and I was reliving those eight goddamn months of trauma all over again. I came so fucking close to hanging myself that week. I wrote suicide notes and everything. Later that month I finally confessed to my therapist how serious I was about attempting suicide back then, and she had to come up with a safety plan for me if I ever had serious suicidal thoughts like that again.

Since October I’ve stopped considering taking my own life. Both because of my therapist’s safety plan and also because my best friend told me her family friend’s kid actually did commit suicide, so I won’t put her through that trauma again by acting on MY suicidal thoughts.

But for the past three days straight this week, my mom and brother EVERY night have been arguing over minor shit- saying all the exact same words I remember them saying during my brother’s psychotic episodes. And when it happened again tonight, triggering all my flashbacks and vivid bad memories yet again, I snapped and broke down and cried/screamed. I had fleeting suicidal thoughts again, but since I swore off trying to take my own life my suicidal thoughts switched to passive thoughts instead. Like hoping I die in a car crash because being dead actually sounds so much better than constantly reliving my trauma in vivid ways.

This post got longer than I expected but I just had to get everything out for context. Please don’t try to recommend me any suicide hotlines or emergency services or any of that crap. Like I said I’m no longer considering taking my life and I’m still going to therapy over my PTSD. I just wanna know if anyone can empathize having PTSD so bad it makes you feel like death is the only escape from your trauma