Me [37 M] with my wife [32 F] who wants to name our son after her deceased ex-boyfriend

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

Me [37 M] with my wife [32 F] who wants to name our son after her deceased ex-boyfriend.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!loss of a loved one!<

Original Post July 17, 2015

She is expected to give birth in September, and we've been thinking of names to give our son. One of her current favourites is "Nathaniel Lee". We already have two children, a son and a daughter. The son was named after my great-grandfather who fought in World War I. The daughter was named after my mother.

I asked her why she liked it, and she said that it was the name of one of her old friends from university. We had this conversation about three months ago. I thought nothing more of it, agreed that it was a good name, and told her that we could consider it seriously.

Last week, I was going through some of our old stuff. I came across a box of my wife's things from university. There were papers, marked exams, a lot of photos, just random stuff. I snooped around a little because she never really talked to me about her life in university before. I came across a photo album and some yearbooks. Wanting to kill some time, I flipped through them.

I found out that she had a boyfriend in second year (junior year in the U.S.), but after that year, there were no more pictures of them. I guessed they'd broken up. But then I flipped through her yearbook and on the last page, there was an "In Memoriam" page about her boyfriend. His name was Nathaniel Lee Wilson (surname changed for privacy reasons). Turns out, he had died towards the end of second year, after suffering a brain injury while playing football.

My wife and I knew each other since she was 14 and I was 19. We dated on and off for years before we married three years ago. I vaguely remember her telling me about her boyfriend that passed away, but that was almost thirteen years ago so I all but forgot about it.

My concern is that she's still dwelling on this guy, thirteen years after his death. I get the feeling that maybe she's not completely over him, since they technically never broke up. Also, I'm a bit hesitant in giving my future son the name of her mom's dead ex-BF. It just doesn't seem...right.

What do you think, Reddit? Should I be concerned, or is it understandable that my wife wants to name our son after her ex?

TLDR: Wife wants to name son after dead ex-boyfriend from university. I feel slightly concerned that she's still dwelling on him.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

If she had told you the truth in the first place, it would have been nice. Honesty is always the way to go.

Then, you could have thought about it.

People name their babies after dead people all the time, but not everyone is comfortable with it.

I personally wouldn't, especially if it the name of an ex. I just like my hisband's past to be the past, you know, out of our lives. His past does not concern me, what happened before he knew me is only for him to have and I don't want any of that. I don't want to be part of that. Do you know what I mean? The past belong in the past, period.

But that's me.

Now that you know. Don't agree on anything you don't feel comfortable with, but instead compromise.

Your son's name is a big deal. You'll hear it, say it, write it all the time. Give your son a name you both have love for. You don't want to know he is named after her ex, regardless of what happened to him.

Update July 20, 2015

First, thanks for everyone who responded to the thread:

I talked to her about the name and she did affirm that it was the name of her ex boyfriend. She apologized for not making it clear to me before.

She and I attended different universities, both in different continents. So we had very little contact during that time, thirteen years ago. She did tell me about her ex's death a few months after, when she came to visit me. All she said then was that he passed away from an accident. She didn't go into detail or anything. I should have remembered, but that was long ago and so much has happened in my life since then.

Today, I asked her if it was okay for her to tell me what happened in detail. She agreed, and told me about how she was sitting on the bleachers and watching the football game when he was suddenly hit in the head, giving him a concussion and almost instant brain death. She told me about how she ran down to the field and tried to give him CPR. Honestly, I almost regret making her go through that painful memory. I could not imagine the pain and horror she was in at the time, watching her boyfriend die in front of her. She rode in the ambulance with him, and stayed with him in the hospital until he was officially pronounced dead.

The university tried to get her to see a psychiatrist afterwards, but she declined, because she didn't want to be seen as "weak". She said that afterwards, she tried to pretend that he never existed. It was her way of coping, however unhealthy it was.

She told me that she wanted to name our son after him because he was a wonderful guy, and she was tired of pretending that he never existed. According to her, they were really good friends before dating, and she told me that he was probably the kindest, most genuine, and most compassionate person she ever knew. He was her first friend in university, and they had a lot of great memories together. She said that he had the heart of an angel, and everybody loved him and respected him.

So yeah, we're going to give him the name. He wasn't just her boyfriend, but one of her closest friends during university. And I think it's a good way of paying respects to a great man who died too soon.

TL;DR: Talked to wife about her ex-boyfriend, agreed in the end to name our son after him.

TOP COMMENTS

jr_G-man

Coming from a widower, that's not her ex-boyfriend...in the same vein that I don't have an ex-wife.

~

StopDataAbuse

I'm sure someone else has said similar before, but fuck it I'm putting in my two cents.

Humans aren't so little as to have only a small amount of love to go around. Her love for him never 'ended'. This in no way diminishes the love between you. This isn't an ex boyfriend weaseling his way in from the past - it is the woman you love honoring someone she loves.

You aren't a replacement for him - humans aren't replaceable in that way. She loves you and is with you because you are you. Enjoy her. Love her. It is no disrespect to you to honor someone she loves.

~

twoplustwois5

My mom tried naming me after her ex boyfriend, dad wasn't a big fan of that idea. They compromised and now her exs name is my middle name. I hate it. They got divorced right after I was born.

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