AITA for blaming my fiancé for Thanksgiving being a disaster?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PreferenceOk449

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for blaming my fiancé for Thanksgiving being a disaster?

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

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Original Post: November 27, 2025

I'm sitting in my pajamas, fuming about this whole thing, and my fiancé is acting like he holds no equal footing here. I need to know I'm not crazy.

When I was about 4 years old, my parents introduced me to their friend "Rose". She started spending a lot of time with us and eventually, moved in. They were always very close friends and she was very good to me but I didn't think anything weird of it. A lot of people I knew lived with family, so I thought it was like that. When I was a pre-teen, they explained to me that they were all together. Not polygamy or a sister wives situation, but Rose was in love with and dating both my parents. It was a little jarring but I accepted it and honestly, it didn't change much. Rose was still one of the people who helped me with homework, pitched in with dinner, taught me how to ride a bike, etc. She was there for every big moment, even the sad ones. The only thing that changed is they started kissing one another in front of me, but nothing gross, just the typical parent pecks or whatever.

I knew this wasn't the norm for every family. My friends were fine with it when they found out. Not all of their parents were as understanding or accepting, but we were old enough that we could see each other outside of our homes and it didn't impact me a whole lot socially. Twice, I had a boyfriend who found it weird, but it was revealed early on in our relationship, so it wasn't a huge heartbreak.

I've been with my fiancé for the past 3 years, we've been engaged for 1. When we started dating, I explained my parents and he was cool with it. He's hung out with them and spent holidays with us. His family lives across the country and they haven't been able to fly out to visit much, we've only afforded one trip there since I started dating. The first time I was meeting them, I asked my boyfriend to tell his parents about my parents and Rose, and let me know what they said. He told me they were completely fine with it. Every time we saw each other, it never came up specifically, but I would mention Rose in passing and no one batted an eye. So, I figured all was fine.

This year, his parents were able to fly out for Thanksgiving. My fiancé and I were hosting. My parents and Rose were coming too. Again, I think not much of it. Everyone's under roof, everything's nice and merry. Then, at some point I go to check on food and when I come out, things are noticeably awkward. Fiancé’s parents, my parents and Rose all look uncomfortable. Fiancé looks annoyed. I ask what's wrong, but no one will tell me. I awkwardly announce it's time to eat, and the meal is quiet, outside my parents and Rose engaging with me. Fiancé’s parents leave for their hotel as soon as we're done eating, and don't bother to stay for dessert. I'm even more confused.

My mom eventually pulls me into the other room and explains that while I was checking on the food, she, my father and Rose were talking about a trip they're taking. Fiancé’s parents looked confused and fiancé’s mom asked "Rose is going with you?" My mom had said "of course", which seemed to disturb them. My mom then said she explained they were all in a relationship together, and that even further disturbed them. She told me she was hurt I lied that his parents were okay with them. It wouldn't have changed that they came, but they would've been more careful to not make it awkward. I told them I didn't lie at all, my fiancé told me they were okay with it. She apologized for accusing me, and I apologized she went through that. She, my dad and Rose left not long after that.

My fiancé and I got into a huge argument after this. He said he didn't know how to tell them, so he just didn't. I told him he's been lying to me for 2.5 years, and put everyone in an uncomfortable position. I asked what his parents thought, and he had told them Rose was my "aunt" who lived with them to save on rent. I asked him what he expected to happen. My parents and Rose aren't making out and in people's faces, but when they're in what they assume are safe spaces, they act like they're in a relationship. He claims it's all on his parents for being weirded out and making it awkward. I said no, this is on him. He lied to everyone and made it terrible for everyone. Sure, his parents could've acted normally and they are at fault for not recovering and trying to have a nice meal...but he's still moreso at fault. He just doubled down and said he didn't do anything wrong.

He is now mad at me and says that I shouldn't be blaming him for this, and instead should just be mad at his parents. I am just so confused and lost, and wondering if I'm going crazy by being mad at him.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions, but mostly leaning toward NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your fiancé is so obviously in the wrong here, for exactly the reasons you identified. There's not even any evidence his parents were embarrassed about the polyamory. They could have just as easily been embarrassed that their son had lied to them.

OOP: Yeah, I haven't spoken to them so I obviously don't know their thoughts. If it was just a lot to deal with at once, or if they felt embarrassed for initially being nasty about being confused over Rose attending the vacation.

Commenter 2: OP, I’d text or email and tell them you’re sorry they didn’t know, that you asked fiancé to tell them your family dynamics several years ago when you first started dating, and he told you he had and that you had no questions or issues. You didn’t find out until Thanksgiving that he’d lied, and as a result there was confusion and awkwardness. You’re sorry they weren’t made aware of the unusual relationship before coming face to face with your parents and Rose and being embarrassed by not knowing the facts, and for the ensuing uncomfortable and awkward atmosphere. That way you’re not apologizing for your parents and their choices, because it’s not your responsibility and there’s nothing to apologize for, and you’re putting the blame squarely where it belongs, on the guy that was too embarrassed to discuss a throuple with his parents and lied for years to cover that up. NTA

OOP: This is a good idea. I'll reach out to them in the morning.

Commenter 3: NTA.. your fiancé is at fault for lying . I won’t blame his parents on their reaction. You are going to see similar reactions in future if you decide to move on .. your normal won’t be other people’s normal. So be prepared to wait longer for the special one where him/family will be comfortable with this situation. Hoping you are able to resolve this with him and he accepts who you/your family are.

OOP: I won't be surprised if they're uncomfortable. As I said, I've dealt with this before with other people, so it's not the end of the world. My family and I have learned to navigate that. It's just the fact that he lied and put us all in a situation that made it awkward.

Commenter 4: NTA-Is he usually adverse to having difficult discussions? I would not say this is 100% a dealbreaker, but it would raise questions about his ability to face tough things/conversations. He dropped the ball in not having the conversation with his parents, lying to you about it, and how he reacted after.

OOP: This is the first time I've caught him lying about something, but he does tend to avoid conflict. He is one to usually just agree with something, just to end the conversation. We've been working on it and I've told him it's okay if we don't agree on something. He doesn't have to bend to what I (or someone else) wants. He can have opinions too. But in general, he just says "I'm not bothered one way or another" when it comes to most things, which can be frustrating, especially here.

OOP clarifies the relationship between her parents and Rose

OOP: I said it's not polygamy, which is when they are there to serve the man. They're also not claiming to all be married to one another. It is polyamory.

(editor's note: polygamy is the practice of being married to multiple spouses (man with multiple wives). polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy that involves having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved)

 

Update: November 28, 2025 (next day)

UPDATE "AITA for blaming my fiancé for Thanksgiving being a disaster?"

Hey everyone, so I’m here with an update. Before I got into how the talk with my fiancé’s parents went, I want to answer some questions that a lot of people kept asking:

1. Why didn’t I tell his parents myself about my parents and Rose? This was a deceent point. While I still don’t believe it is my fault for what occurred, I did understand the POV that this was MY situation, MY family, and it’s something at minimum we should’ve done together. I guess when it comes to situations like this, people’s parents finding out about my own, usually friends, they just do it for me. It’s not something I ask them to do, they usually ask me permission before our families meet and I say yes. I thought it’d be easier if my fiancé told them before our arrival so it wasn’t just me word vomiting “Hi, nice to finally meet you! By the way, my parents are in a polycule.” But, looking back, yes, I can acknowledge, I should’ve offered to tell them as a couple. That being said, if he felt that uncomfortable doing it alone, I wish he would have told me.

2. Do his parents think my parents and Rose are related? I feel really stupid for not thinking about this at the time. In my family, “aunt” is a term used loosely. It doesn’t mean “parent’s sister”. I have a lot of “aunts” and “uncles” that aren’t related to my parents biologically but were close, influential figures in my life, thus the titles. So, when I found out they assumed Rose was an “aunt”, my mind just went to “family friend”, but Jesus Christ…realizing they probably thought this was a Flowers In The Attic type situation, no shit they freaked out! I feel dumb for not even considering this.

3. Some have said that this situation is unusual and even if they don’t assume this is a Folger’s coffee holiday commercial, it’s natural that they may need a minute to process, or that they may never accept it at all. Many asked about religious or cultural reasons. His family isn’t religious nor do they come from a conservative culture. That being said, I can understand why this is odd to people, and why they may need a minute or have a hard time accepting it, even without those things. I think I just got protective of my parents and Rose in the moment, especially seeing how hurt my mom was in that moment. Yes, she’s “used to it”, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting when you are rejected. We’re all human. At the end of the day, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am also entitled to my feelings. I totally understand not everyone will accept my family. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be hurt by it. If I can’t police anyone else’s feelings, that goes two-fold.

4. Someone asked “What if you never found a partner who accepted this? Or what if you never found a partner who’s family did?” And the truth is, I don’t need their family to accept it. Just be respectful. A for a partner, I thought I had found one who was, and even if I never did…well, I’d rather have my family any day.

Anyway, onto the update. As per point #2, I realized the context they were lacking may be playing a part. So, early this morning, I texted and asked if we could meet up and talk. They were all for it. I went without my fiancé, as we still weren’t really talking. We met for breakfast and the first thing I asked was for them to give their side. As most of you expected, the weirdness and judgement they were giving was because they assumed Rose was my mom’s sister. They actually seemed relieved when I explained the whole story and are supportive. They want to properly re-meet my family, which I said was sweet. I didn’t want to get into the whole “I don’t know where your son and I stand” as that wasn’t their problem.

However, his mom did clarify “So, (fiancé’s name) knew the real story this whole time and lied?” I was honest and said yes. I said maybe I should’ve made sure he actually told them, but his dad actually interrupted and said if he promised to tell them, then it was on *him* to say it. They were both very disappointed in him. They actually said what a lot of you did, even if he lied for all this time, he should’ve spoken up when things got awkward and smoothed out the situation. Or even grabbed me to. They felt even worse, but I told them it wasn’t their fault. Given the context of the situation, I don’t blame them for acting weir. The meeting ended on a positive note. We were all supposed to have lunch later on, but given everything with my fiancé, I didn’t feel great about going, so I had him go alone. I told his parents ahead of time, and they understood.

When fiancé came back from the lunch, he apologized. He said he wasn’t sure how to tell them and kept meaning to. He also kept hoping it would “naturally come up”. I pointed out it wasn’t that he just didn’t tell them, he actively lied. Of course they never suspected Rose was anything more than an aunt in my stories, because that’s the lie he planted. He was sincere in his apology. But then he mentioned he got a tongue thrashing from his parents, and I wonder if he would’ve apologized had they not told him what a jerk he was.

I said I understood if he felt weird about telling them, but he should’ve told me. We could’ve navigated shit together. Instead, he let it explode, then did 0 to help clean it up nor did he take accountability until mommy and daddy scolded him. He made my parents and Rose look bad, made me look even worse, and most importantly: he lied to me and his parents for 2.5 years. How am I supposed to trust him again about anything? I listed some of the examples you guys gave. He got quiet and said he understood, but he wanted to rebuild the trust. I asked if he was really okay with my family dynamic and he insisted he is. He says he loves my family and really has no issues, he just didn’t know how to tell them. I said I want to believe him, but you can never fully trust a liar again. He asked what we could do to fix this. I said I needed time. He offered counseling and I said I’d consider it.

We had started planning our wedding a few weeks ago, but that has been put on hold indefinitely. I had been living with him since the engagement but I’m back with my parents and Rose for now. I have to decide if this is something I can live with going forward. It’s only been a few hours, so I genuinely have no idea if I can forgive him for this and move on. One person said “Hopefully this’ll be a funny story one day, remember the Thanksgiving where your parents didn’t know who Rose was?” And I don’t even know if I could ever get there. I love him. I thought he was my person. I don’t want to throw it all away, but I need space. If we move forward with the relationship, we will absolutely be going to counseling. I told him even if we break up and I don’t go, he needs to enter therapy for his conflict avoidance. He didn’t disagree. He also called my parents and Rose to apologize. They were civil, but I know they are not happy. Fiancé’s parents, however, have invited them out to a do-over dinner before they head back to the west coast, and with my blessing, they’re going. It’ll be nice if they can be friends after all this.

That’s where we are. Everything is so fresh and I still don’t know what I want yet. Going to take the holidays to reset and rethink about a lot. Thanks for all the advice.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'm glad you're hitting the brakes on things and taking time to process and work on mending rather than either a; going scorched Earth and break up or b; rug sweep.

The taking a step back and working on rebuilding is a very healthy route and hopefully will lead to a healthier relationship down the road.

OOP: Thank you. It's eye roll inducing how some are like "You're throwing everything away!" I'm taking a breath to think. It's only been 24 hours. It's rational to need a minute.

Commenter 2:

He also kept hoping it would “naturally come up”.

He’s lying about that too. He knew it would never “naturally come up”, because people just don’t ask if their child’s partner’s parents are in a polycule, especially with someone they think is a relative.

OOP: Exactly this. When did he think it would ever come up??

Commenter 3: You know what's really wild is that his parents are being perfectly lovely about the polycule, which means your fiancé didn't even have the tiniest little excuse for not telling them the goddamn truth in the first place! He just didn't wanna!

So he lied for 2.5 years, set everyone up for a disastrous meeting, and then sat on his hands and let everyone twist in the wind!

I can't imagine trusting this guy ever again. I'd say you'd always have to worry about him crumpling when the going gets tough, but he actually crumples when the going gets...mildly inconvenient. Life is too long and too full of ups and downs to have a partner who doesnt even try.

OOP: This is what drives me crazy. He knew they would likely be cool with it, and instead, he lied for no reason. I'd have more sympathy if he had very conservative or religious parents. I'd get it. But they are the exact opposite.

 

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