I might have to switch to formula and I feel crushed

I never thought I would write this post because I was (and still am) a proponent that fed is best and you should do whatever fits your lifestyle, goals and body. But now that I’m experiencing this dilemma , I’m beginning to understand why this conversation is so difficult and emotional.

I was lucky and I had an easy time breastfeeding. My LO regained her weight within 2-3 days. But she was constantly cluster feeding, even at two months. I had to put her on the breast every hour or so. I started pumping at about a month so she can get used to the bottle and then introduces some formula as I couldn’t keep up with her needs.

A few weeks ago, at 3 months, I started getting less supply while pumping and I decided to do power pumps which ended up really irritating my nipples. At about the same time, my LO started fussing on the breast and kept getting distracted. So I started giving more and more bottles, mixing more and more formula and now at almost 4 months, I barely have enough milk pumped to give her during the day. She doesn’t want to be breastfed anymore except at night. One of my wearable pumps broke as well so pumping has become a big and painful hassle to which I feel chained. I feel like I’m failed my LO. That she can’t get breastmilk anymore, that I weaned her off the comfort of the breast so quickly, that now I have to spend all this money on formula.

I know these thoughts are irrational and that most moms go through this at some point but I didn’t know it would happen so fast and I didn’t know I would miss breastfeeding so much (in fact I remember how annoyed I was that it would take so much time of my day). A few months ago, all I wanted was my freedom back and to not be chained to the couch and look at me now, about to get my “freedom”back but being extremely sad that I’m not my LO’s entire world anymore and that I’ll be less and less.