Maybe I was the monster?!

Does anyone else get triggered and start thinking about how maybe they were the problem and the “bad guy” in the relationship? That maybe it was all in their head and their ex wasn’t emotionally abusive and a narcissist?

I have periods where I get triggered and can’t stop thinking about my past relationship from 10 years ago. I can’t remember a whole lot because my brain has blocked it out but the more I think about it, the more I think I was the monster and it bothers me so much. It makes me want to apologize to my ex, break no contact and try to figure it out EVEN THOUGH it’s been so long and I’ve been in a long term healthy relationship with someone else. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy. Does anyone else feel this? Any advice?