Lately, I've been thinking about ending it all

I (21f) have been struggling with my life for years now. I always knew I wanted to pass away before I made it to 30. But what rlly pushed me want to sooner is the recent passing of my boyfriend. We were together for over 3 years but we broke up in the beginning of the year. Yes, I still call him my bf because we still deeply loved each other. But during our relationship, he did things that still hurt me today and affects the way I see see myself. His family have been supportive but they're all upset with me rn bc they want to me a referee for their personal situations. No one texts me first or ask how I'm doing, I have to be the one. I feel like I can't keep up with them and I try so hard not to mess up. Any slip up I make, I feel like I just ruined it. My friends don't text me unless I text them as well. I have no car, no money, no job, and I don't have my own place either. I have nothing going on for me. My body feels like it's shutting down and I have a lot of health problems. I'm physically exhausted, my emotions are all over the place, and I feel mentally insane. I have borderline personality disorder. have better control of it but have days where I can't be calm. My family and I don't see eye to eye and we all have a lot of issues. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't relax. I can't enjoy things that I used to. I'm trying but at what cost? What's the point? It's just me and that's scary.