Woke up alive

I’m am addict and I was using h yesterday & I impulsively took a lot of benzos (20mg Xanax & 8-10mg clonazpam) blacked out at 7pm yesterday, woke up at 10am today alive just very drowsy. Hate living with various mental illnesses I can just flip from stable to life’s not worth living in 5 minutes. The weird thing is I don’t remember the switch, or when I decided to od. Not sure if I’m still at risk respiratory depression wise but oh well. Idk if im happy to be alive simply confused why im still here functioning.

From the bottom of my heart I hate you bipolar ,cptsd & ocd. You have robbed me of the happy life I deserve