It feels like I can’t let go

At least it feels like that today. He broke up with me almost two months ago. It was more like discarding me than breaking up with me. It was out of the blue and he couldn’t give me any good reasons. A week after that he told me he made the biggest mistake of his life. I really wanted to forgive him. We never had any fights and prior to the break up I was under the impression he was the love of my life. But he broke my heart and to me it didn’t feel like he was really trying to fix it. We saw each other a few times after that, even went to dinner together. I think I needed to feel like a priority, like fixing us was important to him and unfortunately he didn’t meet my needs after saying he needed to try harder. One night I called him and told him I didn’t believe he really wanted to fix this. I really let it all out. He told me he still wanted to try harder but we never really talked again after that. We still have to see each other once a month for one specific reason. Last time we did he kissed me. The day after I tried to call him, he didn’t pick up and never called me back. Some days it feels like I can’t let him go. He’s somewhat cold towards me which I don’t get. He broke my heart and I still treat him very kindly. Some days I’m fine, I might even think we’re better off this way. But a lot of the time I still miss him. Or what we had. But then again, the times we did see each other when broken up, he didn’t feel like my sweet boy anymore. I want him to miss me too and reach out. Sometimes it feels like this is only hard for me, since I tried to connect a few times and he didn’t at all. I just don’t understand how someone can turn so cold, like I didn’t matter at all.