im a “first-time child” too…

im so done with my parents. they kept saying how they’re “first time parents” and might make mistakes, but why do they keep forgetting or ignoring that it’s my first time being a child/being someone’s child too?

i can only love them at a distance- being that child that pays for birthday celebrations when they can’t give me anything in return. idk how to love them. ive never been taught how to love or what is love. they have never shown me love. i was always left alone to cry and had to imagine someone hugging/comforting me to fall asleep. why do i need to be the one who give out love but none to receive?

if only they are healed before they had me…i wanna move out but they want control over me. and im already an adult. i know i shouldnt say something like this, but honestly i feel that my life wouldnt change if they died.