Healing & finding joy in life after divorce from a BPD

I haven't seen my exwBPD in 1.5 years. I filed for divorce in September and it finalized this years April. I'm still recovering from everything that happened. I think the divorce process traumatized me more than the relationship itself. She still wanted to try, but I was done. I'm not going to go to details but it was quite a "emotionally" messy divorce and I also did things I regret.

During the divorce process at my lowest point I had daily suicidal thoughts, therapy helped me cope through the most severe days. I think I cried daily for about 6 months straight. I would cry at work in the bathroom or I would crash after work in the shower. After that I started having days where I didn't cry, the longer it has been, the fewer crying days I have. For a long time I couldn't listen to most music except some flute music and cry in bed. I'm proud that I was able to work and take care of myself during all that.

Some days are still very difficult and I get flashbacks of fights/the screaming/other abuse or the bad things I did or should have done. It saddens me because I feel like im not the same person I was before all this. She was supposed to be my "soul mate". I actually believed that at some point. I don't blame her for everything and a lot of it is my fault too. What is difficult is how most people don't understand how it was and what I went through. Unless you have been with a BPD you have no idea. I don't think she was even that bad compared to many peoples partners on this sub. During the last years I was feeling like im just waiting for my slow miserable death, like I was a old person already. Looking back, I was probably already depressed.

I have pretty much everything in my life right now (happily married again and waiting for a child), but some days I still feel like shit. I know some of you might think I have been moving on too quick, but with my ex we always "waited to things get better", but all it did was the same toxic shit cycle again and again year after year. My current wife has been my biggest support and I did not know before this what it feels to feel SAFE. With my ex I had to always walk on eggshells coming home and to this day I pick my words very carefully sometimes because her rage outbursts live rent free in my head. I just wish I found the joyfulness and playfulness again. I think that's what I miss most in myself and it saddens me to think about that.