Need some reassurance

May or may not end up being lengthy, so I apologize in advance!

I (26F) refer to myself as a binge alcoholic. I’ve never been the person who drinks everyday (except when I just moved out, turned 21, and got with my ex and we were living our early 20’s together so it happened here and there). I never woke up in the morning and drank more, or drank during lunch breaks. I’ve been blessed (cursed? 🧐) with a higher tolerance so when I drink, I either need a lot or I’d try to not eat so I can get my buzz started, then I’d eat and maintain.

Alcoholism runs in my family. I’ve only really acknowledged that I am one recently. I didn’t have to be the “drinks everyday and before and in between work and wakes up hungover and drinks more”, which is what I considered an alcoholic. Every time I drink I get the cravings where I want more, whether it’s one drink or one night I have a bottle of wine to myself. There’s almost always a comment of wishing I bought more, or maybe wanting to go get another bottle for the next night. Being a mother to a toddler is making myself more self aware, as is aging and wanting to do and be better. See past my own bullshit.

Last night my little family and I went to a Christmas celebration. The relationship with my boyfriend hasn’t been good since our son was born, but we’re currently actively working on that. He also works nights so it lessens the time we can spend together. He made an ass of himself on Thanksgiving at my family drinking too much, said he won’t drink for a while (we’ve both said this here and there, but he doesn’t have alcoholism. He rarely drinks and when he does, accidentally overdoes it since liquor hits harder).

I suggested we get a couple drinks to enjoy together once our child goes to bed and to continue to enjoy each others company. Nothing bad happened per se, but I do feel like he gets more verbally aggressive/angry when he drinks than he used to. He just got easily irritated over a lot of things and I was annoyed (also on my period and was snappy and mildly shitty all day over things he did/didn’t do). We literally only had 2 small cans each of our choosing. I had the smallest head buzz, no idea where he was at but he smoked weed too. Woke up no hangover, just a mildly upset tummy (as it goes). But I feel so disappointed in myself. Nothing “bad” happened, but we both can’t keep ourselves or each other accountable every time we said we need to stop drinking. I brought that up a little last night. He also overcame a pill addiction several years ago, so we both have that “gene” you could say.

That’s where this post comes in. It’s so easy to rationalize things for our own comfort, and to downplay it. My brain is saying because nothing “bad” happened, I shouldn’t be upset for drinking even though I said I need to stop. Realistically, I only bought the 2 drinks. Where I knew I wouldn’t overdo it. There’s no alcohol in the house, and I definitely wouldn’t drink and drive to go get more. I’m far past drinking and driving for anything now compared to five years ago. I wasn’t in a place where I couldn’t take care of my child if needed if they weren’t asleep.

Really just need help holding myself accountable, even if it’s from strangers on the internet 🙏🏻 Thanks guys