I want you so bad

Notice:

During COVID, I went to a hot spring with my crush. It was a cold winter night with Christmas just around the corner. In that small bathtub, we gazed at each other through the steam that blurred our vision and left our cheeks faintly flushed. We kept our last layer of clothing on, which made the whole situation oddly hilarious. I could barely think of anything meaningful during our casual conversation. Sometimes I wonder if I was simply too nervous back then, or if the memories are starting to fade.

After we got dressed and lay cozily on the bed in that hotel room, I became very aware of how little time we had. We had booked the room for only five hours since our homes were each just a twenty-minute motorcycle ride away. The ticking of time felt almost audible as the night drew closer to its end. I found myself unable to stop looking at him. Without his glasses, he looked almost like someone new; his fair skin and slightly pink nipples stood out beneath the light dusting of chest hair.

“Why do you keep staring at me?” he asked with a teasing tone.

“I… I didn’t know you could see me.” My voice cracked and rose sharply from nerves, which was mortifying.

“Of course I can. I’m not blind.” He chuckled, clearly amused.

We chatted a bit more after that. I mentioned that I had recently learned calculus and that it made me think about how we meet many people only once, like two crossing lines. I told him that I wanted to be the curve that stays tangled with him until the end.

He fell silent. Then he raised a hand to my cheek and met my gaze directly, whispering tenderly.

“May I kiss you?”

My heart felt like it was going to burst from how fast it was beating. My voice trembled. The moment felt like holding a treasure I had searched for all my life, as if a divine light had poured into my chest and made me feel more alive than ever. I wanted to become an ocean and embrace him completely. I wanted to become one with him.

But I didn’t want him to see me like this. Being overwhelmed by these feelings felt more exposing than taking my clothes off. So I asked him to close his eyes, curve my lips as he begrudgingly follow, and kissed him on the forehead.

He opened his eyes and asked, “Why did you kiss my forehead?” There was something burning in his expression, as if it was about to spill over.

“I thought… it’s a way of telling someone they deserve to be loved, without being erotic.” I fumbled through my words, trying to express the thought properly.

“Can I kiss you?”

I nodded, and he leaned over me, half covering my body. He held his weight up with one arm so I wouldn’t feel pressured. Before I could even taste the kiss, he had already pulled away, maybe because I looked too shy.

“It’s wet.” I mumbled the only thing flipping through my blanking mind, with a nervous giggle.

“Of course there’s gotta be saliva,” he replied quickly, almost defensively. He had always been a little insecure, and I immediately wished I hadn’t said anything.

“Your lips are so soft,” he said, amazed.

“I’ve been putting on Vaseline lately because I kept wanting to kiss your forehead.”

“… Could we do that tonight?” The walls he built so tall cracked with his voice coarse by the burning desire.

We didn’t in the end. I was too nervous and unprepared. But the next day as I was reading Demian by Hermann Hesse when my whole body suddenly felt hot, and even showering didn’t help. I thought I had COVID and even called him to check if I had infected him. It turned out I was simply in heat. 

After holding out for nearly an hour, I could no longer resist the insistent, electric tingling pulsing down there. My right hand drifted downward, finding my clit already swollen and slick with arousal. Unlike my usual habit of teasing myself through my panties, this time I pushed it aside. With a trembling breath, I slid my middle and ring fingers in there.

I worked myself desperately, but no matter how hard I tried, the climax stayed maddeningly out of reach, leaving me circled and circled for nothing. My body arched, hips bucking as soft, helpless whimpers escaped my lips.

"I want you inside me." A voice came into my mind, instinctively and unvarnished.

That moment the realization turned my world upside down, I had always believed I was pursuing a kind of pure love without any lust, yet perhaps boundaries between flesh and spirit weren’t that definite.