I planned to force myself to die

I took a whole year off of work so that I can drink every day until I die.

Drinking on an empty stomach, blacking out, throwing up blood, i got a blood test and my liver is being damaged. I cannot leave out of bed. I don't even see the sunlight unless it seeps through my bedroom window. I don't have the guts to kill myself but I'm slowly doing it. I suffer from anxiety depression and PTSD. My dreams feel so real. I constantly try to get back into my dreams because most the time I'm living my childhood, or somewhere I want to be. I can control my dreams and it's so damn real I even try to pinch myself in my dreams to feel if it's real life. I'm a Christian but these dreams make me believe that there is another life I may be living. I cannot stop. I constantly want to go back into these dreams because it's much better than mine. It's become a part of my life now.

Who else has dreams that are so damn real and that you can control? Ones that make you question real life?