My brain feels like a ticking time bomb

Sometimes, no, all the time, I overthink so much I can barely hear what goes on in my brain. It’s a terrifying feeling I wish no one to experience, although I know there’s people out there who feel like this. My head keeps talking over itself, I can hear a million thoughts at once and none of them are coherent. I feel unusually aware and conscious, conscious of the world. I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

It’s hard for me to focus on anything in life without questioning the dystopian reason for doing such an activity. Studying, why? I was never made to study? Why? So you can work a 9-5 for the rest of your life? So you can get a job to scrape off pennys and hopefully provide yourself with shelter and amenities while wasting away a good 10 hours of the only 24 hours you have already deducted by sleeping and the mindless doomscrolling? Hanging out with friends, why? What’s the point? I feel happy. But all I can do in the moment is dread about the misery of life.

No matter how happily I look at life my brain always questions, it never stops speaking. I can never shut it off. Sometimes I get so disconnected people ask me if I’m zoning out. I don’t think I can control it, it’s my fault with everything I’ve I inputted into my brain. I wonder what it’d be like to just exist, or not exist at all. There’s always going to be a heavy something in my heart. Words with nowhere to go fit inside there like jumbled up puzzle pieces I’ve been trying to solve. It weighs me down, and my brain constantly repeats the words to me in incomprehensible orders. It won’t stop unless I go to sleep or stuff myself with social media down my throat to the point where I can’t hear my heart and brain because the pressure lies on my throat. The pressure is weak, it’s getting weaker, I don’t know how else to cope. I try doing something I like but all I can hear are those puzzle pieces tormenting me. I don’t want to be self aware I don’t want to be anything at all. I hope I don’t sound arrogant.