How to get over the fact that I'll never have a cis penis?

(Translated from my first language.)

Hi, I'm FTM (18 years old), and I'm still giving myself time to think things through and learn as much as possible before starting anything related to medical transition.

I realize that I might be thinking about penises a little too often for it to be healthy. It's not even about sex or anything (well, technically yes), it's just an organ that I find complex and fascinating, and I'm upset that I'll never be able to have one (and basically all the organs I don't have), with all the functions and sensations.

I literally know more about how it works and how it's made of than some guys I know. It obsesses me so much that I watch anatomy videos and cadaver dissections. I realize as I write this how weird it is.

Probably too much porn, too ._. (Help)

Unless medicine takes a giant leap forward and allows for the transplantation of an organ that was never there, I bitterly realize that the surgeries available today are simply not what I would want (I'm doing a lot of research on the subject). This fact weighs heavily on me. I imagine it's the case for many trans men.

I hate this feeling. I think about it every day. It's affecting my relationships with the men in my circle/family because I think about it too often, and I feel unhealthy. I feel envy, jealousy, resentment, bitterness. I feel like a pervert, an obsessive person.

I really want this to stop, to make peace with this reality, to stop feeling worthless, stupid, or telling myself I'll never have this or that, to stop feeling like all these shameful web searches are degrading or unhealthy, bad for me or my mental health. Just, anything.

It's already so hard to make peace with being trans and accepting myself; sometimes I think it would be simpler to just let it go and remain a girl, to convince myself with positive affirmations like "you are a girl," something like that. It would be simpler.

So, I've been wanting to ask this question for a while. Thank you for reading and for your feedback.