Should I give up on dating at this point? Cw: SA, depression, break up.

I don’t know if I’ve ever dated a guy truly interested in me, or one that could see my full humanity for that matter. I’ve tried to make myself so small and not demand anything, to never shame them when they fail to show care in the most bare minimum of ways. Bare minimum as in: reciprocating sexually, taking any semblance of interest in my interests, asking me questions or showing any curiosity about me, seeking my advice, showing any acts of service, not SA’ing me, not cheating on me etc. As soon as I begin to communicate these basic things with compassion, I’m often met with continued dismissal, and then a breakup.

I always split financially 50/50, I encourage them to have their own life, I am their therapist whenever they need, I will even act as their maid/personal chef, and I engage with their passions.

Obviously I’m not perfect, I have obvious self esteem issues, I’m no bombshell, I’m poor and I struggle with depression. But I’m not demanding or seeking those things from my partner, I just want a kindred spirit to bare their soul with mine and see me in my full humanity. The qualities I desire in a partner are qualities I have: intellect, a robust sense of humour, progressive views and compassion, and I often forgive a couple of them missing if they seem really kind. People say “keep looking, the right person is out there”, but are there really that many single men in a patriarchal society who have done the deep work of dismantling their unconscious biases? I can think of one man that I know that truly sees women as capable of possessing the same depth, intellect and wit as men, but even he will sit and drink as his partner does the cooking and cleaning (despite them going 50/50 financially).

I’ve dated all kinds of men, men that I wasn’t attracted to initially but they were very infatuated with me, unemployed men, men who identify as feminists, men who initially seem to show these signs of reciprocity, but it all turns out the same. While we’re in a relationship, it seems the relationship is mostly a hindrance if I ever show any evidence of me having a desire of a little reciprocity. Once the relationship is over and I begin to move on, they apologise and will make multiple attempts to get back together, to which I always gently reject them. They must be reminiscing over a montage of a girl and a relationship that never existed. I’m sick of being told I’m “the one that got away” or their lesson about how they should treat women. I don’t want to be their mother, their hindrance or a fictional character. I want to be their equal :(

When I look at my other fem friends who have given up on dating, they are bombshells with high incomes, cool passions and a great social circle, but even their experiences echo mine. It makes me question whether it’s solely my shortcomings and me not being worthwhile, or if it’s a manifestation of the majority of men not seeing women as equal in humanity to men. This continuous cycle breaks my heart that little bit more each time, and chips away at the little hope I have left for a future with love in it.