Now it feels like winter

Typing this isn’t good enough for me but for now I have to keep to myself and wait for the cycle to move back around as it did before. I don’t know if that will make for months or years, I will just have to practice the path of least resistance. I am sorry if I made you feel rejected, I am just another scared and delusional human being. I try to tell myself next moment will be different and I will actually acknowledge you as best as I can. I feel ridiculous having this inside me as an adult. Aren’t we supposed to be numb for fucks sake. You probably gave me like 30 opportunities earlier and I saw every single one and feigned ignorance. I have mostly weeded out all of my shitty coping mechanisms and have the ability to just exist without trying to interfere in whatever is going to happen but I have to actually not resist in addition to that. The feeling of being a fucking magnet on fire always makes me want to vomit.

The other view of it is that we are all nuts and this is just coping and bullshit I have created. I don’t think it is though, we are usually right.