I wasn't meant for this

I’m 20F and grew up in this small, niche private school, I was always this A+ golden student, then moved into a fancy high school, where I really started started to struggle with depression. I never imagined I’d end up struggling with alcohol, but here I am. Two years ago my grandma (who was really important to me) passed away, and it hit my long standing depression hard. Now that I’m abroad in uni and completely alone, things have gotten worse, and alcohol slowly turned into something I rely on.

I’m ashamed and scared. I just want to feel normal again. For a while I convinced myself alcohol helped with my depression and maybe even my suspected autism, but now all I feel is guilt. My parents are paying so much for me to have a bright future, and I keep thinking of my younger brother who looks up to me. I don’t want to disappoint my family, they're everything to me.

I can't help to have this guilt, according to my track record, private honor roll student who would even win contests, I shouldn't have turnt this way.

I haven’t told my family or friends about any of this. I just feel lost, and I don’t know who to talk to. I’m really scared and anxious. (sorry English isn't my first language)