Struggling with OCD after stepping back from religion

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I stepped away from religion about 2–3 months ago. I was still very new to Christianity at that point, and honestly, I’m not sure whether it was me wanting to explore faith or whether it was OCD pulling me in that direction. Things became overwhelming, so I took a break. My OCD made everything incredibly hard. I experienced some of the worst thoughts and obsessions I’d had in a long time. None of this was because of Christianity itself, but because of the mental state I was in.

That said, even in the middle of the fear, guilt, and intense anxiety, I really enjoyed learning about Christianity. I wanted to post again because some old themes and fears have resurfaced, and it feels like an old wound has opened back up. I’ve talked about these themes here before, but I felt the need to process them again.

I don’t expect everyone to read all the way through, I know it’s long, but if you’ve made it this far, thank you. It really means a lot.

If it’s not too much to ask, could you pray for me and my family? That Jesus would meet us where we are, help us, and protect us? Thank you.

I’ve felt this building up over the last few days, especially because I’ve been using ChatGPT at night for reassurance, dumping out the worst of my obsessions and intrusive thoughts. Today has been really rough. I just finished crying, which I haven’t done in a while. I think everything has just piled up, and tonight it all felt overwhelming.

For context, a little over a year ago I went through one of the worst experiences of my life. My OCD was really intense while I was traveling to meet my family. It was about a six-hour drive, and the entire time my OCD was attacking me. I was arguing with myself in my head continuously. The intrusive thoughts were about “selling souls,” which has always been one of my biggest obsessions and fears.

No matter how many times I told myself I would never do something like that, the thoughts came back harder. By the time we arrived after the long trip, I immediately went to my room and started ruminating, obsessing, and doing compulsions. I felt completely trapped. In that moment, it felt like I had to choose between myself or my brother. I think it latched onto him because he was in the car with me. In that moment, it felt like an impossible choice. My brain told me that sacrificing myself would somehow put everyone else at risk. So I said out loud I would save myself.

Looking back, I hate that moment. I hate that choice. I try to practice self-compassion and remind myself that OCD put me in an impossible, distorted scenario, but the guilt eats at me. It was so selfish. What made everything worse is that right afterward, the light in the room flickered off and I heard something fall, like a book. That moment has stuck with me, and it’s been over a year.

Fast-forward to today. I bought a new game, Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2, not realizing how religiously heavy it is. It triggered some of my obsessions, but I managed to keep playing after calming myself down. Then this scene happened where a character said, “I swear on my mother’s soul,” and another character responded about how horrible that was. Immediately it reminded me of last year’s incident. I tried to push the thought away and keep playing.

Then another mission mentioned someone making a pact with the devil, which triggered me even more. I still kept going, trying not to spiral.

Later, I was trying to pick a lock in the game. I kept failing. After about five tries, suddenly an intrusive thought hit: If it works this time, it means something bad about my brother or his soul. I tried to label it as an OCD thought and attempted the lock again… and then it worked. It felt like a punch to the gut.

I forced myself to continue playing because I didn’t want to fall back into the loop I was stuck in months ago. Back then, when the thoughts got so bad I would punch myself. I ended up breaking my finger from hitting myself over and over.

Now I feel guilty for continuing the game. I just wanted to escape my mind.

I wish I could turn my brain off. I wish my mistakes would disappear. I wish I could go back and undo so many things I’ve done. I carry so much guilt about the past. I know “selling souls” isn’t biblically accurate, but the idea still terrifies me. I’m scared I cursed my families house. I’m scared I put the people I love at risk. I feel like a fraud, a liar, a selfish person. I’m scared I’ve reopened an old wound.

And now I even feel guilty about the way I cried. I cried when thinking about the past incident, but not when writing about being afraid of cursing the house.

My family is fine, which does comfort me. I just can’t handle exposure therapy right now, even though I know it’s the right thing in the long run. I’m just exhausted. I just needed to get this all out.

Thank you, if you made it this far. I feel like these words only display a fraction of what goes on in my head. Any help would be much appreciated. I know reassurance only worsens OCD. Just some support would be nice. Thank you.