Feeling like an outsider due MIL and wife

You can look at my post history. My mil has treated me badly ever since I met my wife for almost 6 years. The last straw was at my ss 12 bday party last year where she embarassed me in front of everyone at a restaurant. The whole table went dead silent and so did my wife. I left. There were many incidents prior to that, but that was just the last. That was also the last time I've seen her. Wife and I have been in counseling ever since. Shes made a few small changes like going from going to her parents 3/4 times a week, numerous vacations with them, ( huge issues of enmeshment), to going pretty much once per week.

My sd bday was last month and it was planned by my wife and her family and I was excluded. My ss bday was today and I was also excluded (i also wasnt even told the party was today). Ss asked me this morning if I was coming and I said no and he just quietly said "ok". I ended up looking bad to the kids as if im purposefully not going or as if I have something better to do, while the people that caused this in the first place look fine.

My wife admits that I've done nothing wrong with her family and that it is 100 percent the way they've treated me, so that is not an issue at all. Its acknowledged that im not at fault, but im the one that is left out.

For christmas eve we would usually divide it between both families. We would usually go to dinner with my fam first and then her family celebrates christmas on christmas eve night, usually dont get home until around 2 am (everything is very long with them). This year my fam is going to a restaurant around 6. However over the summer my cousin who is autistic had an episode lashed out at his sister, in front of my sks. When my wife spoke to the kids about christmas eve plans, they said they still felt uncomfortable around my cousin and didnt want to go which I understand.

For context, my fam loves my wife and her kids and has welcomed them with open arms since we first got together. They are sad she isnt coming. My plan would be to be home around 8, but my wife is going to her families for christmas eve around 8 and likely wouldnt be home until around 2 am as in previous years and im not invited to her families celebration. I told her that im not coming back home to spend all of christmas eve by myself and will spend the night at my moms. I wouldnt even see my wife until 2pm the next day at my family's house because she has to drop thr kids off with her ex. She really doesnt seem bothered by this. I won't be there to exchange gifts, watch the kids open their presents etc.

Her family always takes priority over me and I feel like such an outsider, even though ive done nothing wrong. I understand the thing with my cousin, but its not as if my family treats her bad or she wasn't invited. They are choosing not to come because the kids feel uncomfortable. I, however am excluded from her christmas celebration and it lasts all night.

Ive told her how hurt I am and how awful this makes me feel and she doesnt have much empathy at all. The consensus is that I should just pretty much suck it up and put everyone elses feelings above my own. She refuses to prioritize me and Im tired of feeling like an outsider and I think the only logical next step is separation.