Marriage and children

I’m looking for perspective from anyone who has been in a long-term relationship or has children while also dealing with self-harm urges.

I’m 29F, my husband is 35M. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for several of those. When we first met, I was in a really bad place mentally, and he was incredibly gentle and supportive. During the worst periods he helped me shower, washed my hair, and did everything he could to take care of me.

Over the years, the urges haven’t been constant, but they do still happen a few times a year. Whenever it happens now, my husband reacts with a lot of anger. He says it’s because I don’t come to him beforehand so he can help stop me. But honestly, sometimes going to him doesn’t help, and then I feel even worse afterward if I still slip. It feels like a no-win situation: if I don’t tell him, he’s mad. If I tell him and it still happens, he’s mad and I feel like even more of a failure. I try really really hard to fight any urges and to just keep going.

Now that we have a child, it’s even harder. He says things like, “Do you want our kid to see that one day or think that’s okay?” Obviously I don’t. I love my child more than anything. But comments like that just make me feel more ashamed instead of supported. He says he feels like if hes supportive or coddled me that its like hes condoning and supporting my destructive habits.

I completely understand that this is extremely hard on a partner. I’m not expecting him to be perfect. But I’m already in a really low place when these episodes happen, and his reactions make me feel even more isolated.

I’m just hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar. How do you handle self-harm urges in a marriage / with being a parent? How do you navigate telling your partner vs. not telling them?

I appreciate any help in advance.