Separation Loneliness

My stbx wife (22) and I (25m) have been married only a year and some change now. We’ve been separated essentially since our anniversary, they had a brief stint at in-patient facility and decided to leave while there, their words. I know this may not compare, we don’t have kids, we had just been starting out. Still, I feel this incredible regret, shame, and I feel like I was just too emotionally distant and busy for the majority of our marriage. I miss them, and I am still hopelessly in love—even with everything.

I’m moving out of our condo early next week, and it just still feels surreal. They’ve been at their parents for a month and a half now. They’ve said they’ve fallen out of love, I’m not enough etc etc. I have been in therapy, and trying to work through it, but I just miss them incredibly. We do have two cats that will be staying with her when I move out and that doesn’t help. Some days I just can’t believe it’s all real, that the person I wanted most in this world just woke up and left. i feel so lonely, tired and scared. I feel like i’m struggling and they’re enjoying their newfound freedom.

obviously, I would take them back in a heartbeat, but I just don’t know even if I should—if it is a case of unresolved trauma from their past and mental health struggles. I just can’t seem to let go to the future we had together and to them, how do I move through this. I still think about them constantly, wishing them well, wanting them happy, I just wish I could hate them for all this, but I can’t.

They’re planning on filing after the holidays/new year. How do i deal with this whirlwind, this isolation, this desperate loneliness. I feel like reaching out and begging but I know that would hurt the both of us. How do I manage my pain so I don’t act out of a place of desperation, grief, and profound loneliness. And how do i stop holding out hope for them to their mind.