The victim shame is real

I don’t understand how some people can point out an individual was manipulated & used; yet say you need to do better. I’ve come to believe in this experience that if someone hasn’t been a victim of narcissistic abuse they can’t possibly understand. This experience started in 2023, when I met the worst individual of my life. I was abused in every way like a lot of you. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, & verbally. I was discarded numerous times, pulled back in when I found myself not crying 24/7 & realizing I needed to walk. People don’t understand these types of individuals can manipulate from the depths of hell, in our case being jail/prison. I think the final discard came a few days ago, after being in for 6mo. I tried to do all I could for him like I had been conditioned to & tried walking away for good again…but pulled back in. I noticed the phone time becoming less, letters not being written to me anymore, and then came the time where he got in trouble & put on restriction. Ofc I wrote messages & kept on & the first contact made with me after thanksgiving was what I’ve seen before. The dry 2 sentence message, & a generalized card that you’d send a pen pal or friend. No emotion to it at all. My heart dropped cause I knew that this had to be it, I called him out on it, telling him every time I’ve seen this before it was bc there was someone else.

Ofc he called me crazy & ultimately found it perfect to make it my fault as usual & make his exit. I fired back & told him to stop calling bc I could see the attempt even though the call wasn’t connecting. He wrote me one last message that was the typical grandiose, he thought I knew he was someone & who deserved greatness, I’m happy it’s over, I’ve been more than ready bs, & then deleted me on said messages. There’s controversy on what a twin flame is, but he indeed was mine & there’s no guarantee they’re not bad people. That’s what cut me so deeply. I’m not the person I was before I met him, spark gone from my eye, remembering this month as yearly marking of almost losing my life. Not the festive time for loved ones.

I feel like I’m swallowing a jagged edge pill filled with pain every second of the day. I’m ashamed my abuser is a 29yr old felon with 5 kids with 5 different mothers, who never did anything for me except hurt me many, many times.

I’ve been talked to like this was just an easy choice to not be manipulated or used, & walking away is an easy thing to do. I’m going to use this time to try & relocate & get out of my city that’s become a trigger everywhere I go bc of him. It’s sad that he isn’t even from here, but he will be paroled in 4mo and i think I need to hide myself for good. For a lot of you, I see you, & I understand. Even if so many don’t.