I hope God gives me the peace of mind to cherish this moment

I am a recent revert after nearly 20 years of atheism, agnosticism, and other bfs. I was a cradle Catholic up until around high school, and looking back, I had piss poor catechism if I had any at all. I am not looking to blame anyone, but in retrospect, I knew basically nothing about our faith, our church, and our God. Back then church was about making attendance and going through the motions. God was a bogeyman-hall-monitor-Miss-Trunchbull-figure in the sky.

After three years of growing curiosity and fascination (I gotta give credit to the Mass of Ages documentary series), I shot into the confessional like a rocket, and I have been back in the faith, totally submitted to God, and accepting the grace of God with a ferocity. What I find special about this moment in time is that I am simultaneously spiritually hungry—starving even—AND I am appreciating what's on my plate. As a child, I didn't realize I was spiritually hungry AND I detested what was on my plate, if you know what I mean. But now I am devouring video, audio, and written content. I adore the holy mass, and I anxious to know everything about all its meaning, procedure, ceremony, mysticism, gravity, etc. It is the only time I have had no desire or compulsion to scroll on my stupid phone and still my TikTok rotted brain. I am beyond excited that I have so much of the Holy Bible to read and take in for the first time, and I am overjoyed that I am drip-fed the Bible at mass while simultaneously taking it at a comfortable pace with Father Mike Schmitz Bible in a Year study program. It feels great to have a home parish with little seeds of community and belonging beginning to sprout, and I feel a growing connection to the global Catholic population. I listen to homilies like podcasts. Praying the Rosary as a kid felt like both a chore and a monumental task. Now it feels like a brisk walk in the park with the good feelings that come with taking in fresh air and the relief and release of tension after exerting yourself and separating yourself from regular routines.

All of this as a kid would have felt excruciating at worst or dull at best. But at this moment, no part of this feels like work or like punishment. I feel like I should but I don't care about how much time I've lost because what is to come is infinitely greater. It is like the gym, a cold plunge, and the steam room for my spirit. What has me so joyful is that this is all due to my desires finally being in alignment with the will of God. I only pray that God keeps me close so that I never stray so far ever again and that this fervor remains forever.