Im so insanely jealous of my cousins.

24 F. My mom and i have never seen eye to eye on anything in life. If i say A , she is the type to say B from spite. All my life i was ridiculed by her. Called me fat in every sense of the word and only bought me dark clothes because i looked too fat. Until i moved out of the house for studies in 2021. Upto that point it was harassment. Verbally. But harassment. She got insanely jealous whenever my dad would buy us stuff and food. She said my dad doesnt care about her and that my dad is all about his children. After i moved out , we started talking more (once a month?) because idk distance makes the trauma less real? But everytime we speak all she complains is how my dad and his mom are harassing her. I am not saying i dont believe her but ive seen how she is and i cant help feeling like she probably instigated the whole thing. When my youngest sister, who is 11 years younger , sends me video of the house and family , my mom is always so sweet to her. I would think how can she treat her first 3 children like shit and dote and coddle the last born.
My cousins live in the same city as me with their mom and their relationship is so healthy. They call out their mom if she acts a certain way and their mom also plays her part perfectly. When they sit together they joke around and play around with their mom and i get so jealous. Why couldnt i have a mom who loved me too? Growing up feeling fat and uglier than my siblings and my cousins was tough but my mom made it worse. When i was 10 she snatched my plate at a family gathering because i went for seconds. There was never congratulations when i passed my exams or did something i thought she would be proud of. Then she gets mad because i love my dad more and talk to him more because obviously when he doesnt work my dad was very hands on but it was rare.

My maternal grandparents and my uncle also never really acknowledged me and my siblings because we are from a daughter of the family and not a product of the son. Theyre misogynistic and conservative. My paternal grandma and my uncles were nice but to an extent because they hated my mom. Atleast i have goofy and nice cousins right??? They are all so slim tall fair and pretty so my siblings fit right in. I never did. Im chunky and fat. They didnt do anything. If anything theyre so nice to me. But their niceness feels like sympathy. All the time. At this point in my life , i feel like i have nowhere else to run to with my problems. Im too old to be complaining about my childhood traumas. Im too young to be dead.