Recently unable to control cravings.

I’m 49, I drank in high school, but rarely drank between the ages of 21-37. I started drinking too much when I was dating heavy drinkers and I would regularly drink with them. After them I was single for three years, and I would drink 1-3 drinks with dinner when I didn’t need to work or drive anywhere, maybe 3-4 nights per week. I would overdrink occasionally during social events, once or twice a month (I’m not very social).

I got a promotion at work 6 months ago and was generally working on improving all other areas of my life, so I stopped drinking alone and only allowed myself to drink socially and no more than 3 drinks. With the new job that meant at most once a month. I found I didn’t really miss it.

I get seasonal depression and 2 months ago I started getting really bad flashbacks to some childhood trauma. I was dating and got dumped two days after my first flashback. I was trying really hard to protect my mental health, so I didn’t drink at all for about 6 weeks, but my mental health still greatly deteriorated from that point. My usually mild to moderate seasonal depression turned into a major depressive episode. I have flashbacks multiple times a week. I’m having severe dissociation. I had been doing a lot of mindfulness practices, grounding techniques, and meditation, and the meditation actually caused more flashbacks. It has been seriously affecting my ability to work and to care for myself. (I have a new therapist and we know what triggered this cascade of flashbacks. I’m diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, CPTSD, chronic health issues, perimenopause.)

Two weeks ago, I forced myself to have dinner with a friend, and I drank some wine with dinner, and my dissociation/depressive symptoms slightly improved. I actually felt slightly more present and less sad. I don’t usually feel like drinking when I’m depressed or feeling dissociated, so I didn’t know it would help.

I started drinking every day after work just to feel something. I’m drinking alone, and at least 5 drinks every night. Every day I get off of work and tell myself I’m not going to drink. Every day I pass by the liquor store that’s literally next to my work and buy myself alcohol. I have never craved alcohol like this. The logical part of my brain knows this isn’t sustainable and isn’t healthy. But the apathetic part doesn’t care, and the part that wants to feel something, anything, craves it. And now I am having negative consequences.

I never felt as out of control of my behavior as I have these past two months. I don’t even know what I hope to gain from posting here. I’m just scared of suddenly being so out of control. With the way my depression and trauma are always going to interfere with my life, I think this is going to make everything harder. I’m just trying to do what I can to survive for now.