My partner (M45) and I (34F) have known each other for a year. I'm grieving the death of a parent, and I feel like he's being insensitive. How do I approach this conversation in a way that doesn't feel hypercritical?

Here's a bit of backstory: My partner and I have been friends for a year. We met online, and while we were always flirty with each other, we were always friends. We didn't live in the same place, and when we met, he was going through a weird time, so friendship seemed like a good idea. We became friends because I was already moving to the city where he lives for grad school. Stuff progressed, we got to know each other better as friends, and now he calls himself my boyfriend. I think of him as my boyfriend, too, even though it's long distance for now. 

I was supposed to move in late summer, but a lot of stuff happened in my life that kept me here. One of the things that kept me was the death of my mother. Without going too much into it, my mother and I did not have a good relationship. It was distant at best and abusive at worst. You'd think that would make it easier to deal with her death, but it's not. I had a lot of therapy to deal with her behavior as an adult, so while she was alive, it wasn't that much of an issue. But now I feel like I'm a bit lost, and I need to feel like something is solid and real. The biggest problem is that, while he calls himself my boyfriend, he also said that we're not real until we live in the same place. It makes me feel so unappreciated and taken for granted, and it hurts a lot. I get where he's coming from. He's been hurt by a lot of people. I still don't think it's fair to treat me that way based on someone else's behavior.

There's other stuff. We talk about a lot of his former relationships, good and bad. He's had an unusual amount of relationship trauma, and I want to be supportive, so I listen. But now it makes me feel like he was always there for those people, no matter what, and I can't even get recognition that I'm not just an online person. It's hard to feel appreciated or even interesting sometimes when that happens. I have a serious chronic illness that I've had since I was a child. It doesn't go away, and I wish he would sometimes ask me how I'm doing with that. He knows other people with the same chronic illness, and I think he doesn't take mine seriously because it's now under control. It makes me feel like he doesn't think that I deserve as much care or affection. 

The worst part is, shortly after we met, he went through a traumatic event that I can't share. (Not my story) It was horribly unfair, and while he didn't ask me to, I showed up for him like I showed up for all my friends, no questions asked. It was never about dating in the future. I just didn't want him to go through a horrible thing alone, so I showed up. He has real evidence that I care about him. I feel really stupid thinking about all the work I put into it to have someone call me "just a person I met online." I'm also really soft and patient with him. I've never lied to him about anything. I'm not jealous. I don't creep on his social media. All of this makes me feel like he doesn't see me because he's stuck thinking about all the other people. 

So, a few notes: 1. Please, don't pile up on him. He's a really kind, wonderful human. His affection is mostly consistent. He's kind, and not just to me. He's had a lot of people hurt him significantly, and I can understand his hesitation. This is a nuanced circumstance that needs a nuanced perspective. 2. He's kinda always been like this. When I wasn't grieving, I just assumed he always had his foot in his mouth, and it was kinda cute how derpy he could be. I'm not someone who needs a lot of external validation, so I didn't think about it. Stuff changed for me, and I need more support. 3. I'm moving to that city whether I'm with him or not. That move was always about me, not him. That move is in five days.

My question is, how do I approach this in a way that doesn't feel aggressive or hypercritical? He's told me some, but I suspect he's been criticized unfairly and often by a lot of people, so he's naturally sensitive to it. I want to fix the problem, not make him feel attacked. I don't really need a sweeping love gesture. That's not my style. I just want recognition that I'm not just some girl he knows online. Also, am I being too sensitive about this whole thing? It's a possibility, as this is my first time grieving a parent.

Thank you for reading! TL;DR, I'm grieving the death of a parent. I feel like my partner is insensitive and takes me for granted. How do I approach the conversation without being hypercritical or aggressive?