Y2 off to an interesting start

I think I'm still too exhausted to even think about everything that has happened this term. It seemingly got off to a great start, but I was still reeling from the Oisin of it all. It really did hurt and there were nights I truly could not stand it and I was so ashamed of myself for being that way. But it got easier, mainly because I got distracted. I think meeting his girlfriend was super difficult but I think it will get less painful the more I do it. Meeting her did make me realise though that it was always going to be them. That is their story and there was no one else getting in the way of it. They are truly perfect for each other and she loves him in a way I would have never been capable of. I love him dearly as a friend and the way that we've been this term has been perfect. The love and respect I wanted from him was definetely not romantic because now that he is being normal about it what with the girlfriend and all it is making me realise I was only confused because I thought wanting his attention in that way meant it was romantic. When in fact I probably just missed our friendship. The fact that I was so confused and distraught even trying to imagine a relationship between us says enough, even if it is only in retrospect. But anyways, onto the next white boy that's going to crush my spirits. Luckily, I really hope this one I won't have to actively watch be in love anytime soon, but knowing my luck, the second I like a man he finds the love of his life right after. So maybe I've just blessed him with my curse. His name is Henry and he's been around for a while but I've never actually noticed until this year. And for some reason, he was everything about it now. I didn't' realise how attractive he was. Like I could somehow see it but I was never ever interested in him in that way. I'm not the only one as well considering every other girl he's friends with is also in love with him. It might just be the fact that he's attractive, although I've seen way more attractive boys. And he is just that, he's a boy. But the conversations we have are so refreshing and fun. It's nice to have a man's attention in a genuinely curious and caring way. He's so intriguing simply because I cannot read him. It's the fact that I have no idea why he is the way he is that makes me so obbsessed to get to know more. And I've definetely done that but at the cost of my own dignity to be honest. Confessing that I liked him was probably one of the most embarassing things I ever did. It made me feel super unfeminine and gross about that fac tthat I'd just made my friend so uncomfortable. But it didn't take long to get back into the same routine that we'd been in pre confession. It's still brought up now and then but I think I handled it in a way that felt true to myself, regardless of how much the truth hurt. The last day of term I pretty much asked him out on a date. We went and did all the things I'd do with someone I'm romantically interested in. Museum, shopping ice cream, food, a pint under the christmas lights. It was stupidly romantic. But at the end of the day, he will never see me that way and it's lowkey just pathetic slightly. I think it's pathetic because I hate people seeing my confidence slip. I feel like the guise of me thinking I'm attractive is the only thing convincing people. I'm scared if I stop pretending I believe it other people will realise too. If I keep up the facade of this confidence I can't be touched by people's judgement or pity. It also just feels so embrassing to let a man make me feel shit, like it somehow makes me a bad feminist or bisexual to have feelings for a man, especially ones that aren't reciprocated. I can't let myself be this pathetic next term. Do i truly think I'm pathetic? not really but I do feel like people see me that way. I don't know how he feels about it in that regard but I don't think I care. I think our friendship is just teaching me a lot about myself and I'm gonna have to start trying to use it to jolt myself to a change. I can't keep going on like this. Hearing that he liked someone else genuinely upset me and I wasn't really expecting it to because I knew the truth. And because I was hoping it was just a passive finding him attractive. But I guess it's because of all the time I've spent with him that it's ended up this way. I can take a break from it now and hopefully when I go back to term things work out the same way they did with Oisin. I'm so glad that part of my life is over my god I really thought it was going to kill me. I think it did change me slightly. But it's just making me realise all the patterns in my life that I just wasn't acknowledging. My need for validation is just stupidly reoccuring at this point and I really need to put a check on that. Maybe because I'm lacking it academically, I crave it otuside. I don't know how to feel beautiful anymore though. I guess the only way that insecurity will disappear is if I genuinely stop caring about what I looked like. I can't imagine ever being okay with the way I look. And I know the external romantic validation is never going to fix that because it never does but what am I supposed to do now. How do I love all of this? It hurts to think that I crave love so much that I can't give myself. How does loving someone even start? Spending time with them, looking at them, feeling those butterflies? What cements it in stone? I've loved people even through their ugliest qualities. Even when I didn't necessarily find them entirely attractive but I could. I guess maybe it's the fact that I'm so judgemental of others and assume everyone else looks at people this way too that I'm so scared of being unlovable. I need that validation from someone else to save me. I need someone to just hold me and tell me that I'm beautiful and that my presence makes a difference to them. That they would rather be with me than anyone else right now.

I guess the best thing I've gotten out of this term is the motivation to genuinely become better at what I do. I know I love it and there is nothing else I want to do in the world. It's genuinely back to being my number one priority, which is a nice break from the turmoil of being obbsessed with white men. Now that I have much less to do and more time alone, everything that I didn't deal with is going to come up though so I've got to keep myself busy and stop it getting to a point that I can't deal with. Obviously this doesn't mean bottling up it just means not allowing the overthinking get to a point of mental deterioration like it did last time. Mentally though I am surprisingly okay. I really did have a lovely time this term and my friends are lovely as usual. Made plenty of memories that I think I'll have for life. It's a slight pity the whole Henry thing happened because otherwise it would've been a great term - I would have done much better academically as well if I wasn't so focused on him. No more of that now. I think I'll get bored of it soon enough I hope. Now that I feel like I've gotten a good read of him, he's lost the original appeal. It's just the fact that he's attractive now, but it's not hard to find things I can't find appealing about him. He really is not all that. I think the social standing of it all though, of getting rejected by him is the bit that hurts the most. I really hope I won't miss him. I don't think I will. I did yesterday. But like actually thinking about it, the conversation isn't anything revolutionary. I feel like I do more for him than he does for me. I like feeling unique and special next to this big nerd but other than that, I don't feel like I learn much from these conversations. I shouldn't overthink this too much because I actually love talking to him, can and have done for hours on end before so clearly there is something there. But all I have to do is remember that this really isn't special for him; he spends equally as much time with other girls that he also does not find attractive. I wonder what he's like around the girl he actually likes. I want to know everything about her but I cannot let myself get obbsessed like I did with Oisin. It is not healthy to let myself compare everything about her to me. Which I will claim not to do but do anyway, whether positive or negative about her. I think some distance from him next term will be good. No more of being the person that reaches out. I need to look out for myself. I've managed to do that with Oisin which is good but that's because I don't really care enough and also because I see him enough anyway. Why has my term revolved around all these white boys man I've actually had enough. I'm getting sick of it at this point. I can't wait to lock in tomorrow. I'm gonna go to the library and open the books and get everything started. I have so much to do and am so looking forward to getting it all out of the way so I can actually study the stuff I have fun doing. I want to get back to making art and reading. Not wasting my time watching shows all day.