Sometimes

Sometimes I allow myself to dream. Only for a few seconds, but with vivid pictures of what could be.

You coming home from work while I dance through the kitchen, screaming my heart out to music you don’t like, but you’d smile regardless. And I’d turn around and smile at you, turning the volume down and giving you a kiss. My arms around your neck. “I missed you,” I’d say, and you would chuckle, telling me you haven’t been away for long but holding me like every second apart is already one too many.

I dream of waking up next to you. Your chest rising with every breath while you’re still asleep, looking peaceful and so perfect. And I would snuggle up against you, breathing you in and bathing in your warmth. You’d open one of your eyes slowly, gazing down at me and whispering, “Morning, beautiful.”

Sometimes I allow myself those little domestic fantasies. How you would make a funny remark, being cheeky, and I’d throw a wet cloth at you, and we would laugh about it like silly teenagers even though we’re slowly getting old. But in each other’s presence we’d feel so young and alive again.

I dream about how we’d be snuggled up together on the couch, me reading one of my romance books, you reading something for your book club. And sometimes we’d just read passages out loud to each other, discussing them, arguing playfully before we’d kiss and never stop again.

I imagine us talking about everything and nothing at all. How your day went and how mine was. And regardless of how boring it was, we’d be glued to each other’s lips.

Sometimes I allow myself to dream before I need to snap out of it again. Because that’s not how it is. Not how we are. It’s nothing I can ever have with you. I knew that right from the start. Distance and circumstances make it impossible. And still I do it.

Still I engage in this little world where we could be together. Just us. Just all the normal and domestic things that so many people would find boring but that I crave so much.

Sometimes I allow myself to dream of you, and even though my heart aches and the tears spill, I love those vivid pictures in my mind. The feeling in my heart.

And then I snap out of it. Go on with my life. Meet friends. Keep busy. Just be myself.

But in my heart I carry you with me every second. And as foolish as it is - I don’t give up on these dreams.