Feeling of a storm in my head and it feels like my heart is about to explode

I’ll be ranting I (30) f recently lost my lovely brother (24) m suddenly to cancer Since I’ve lost interest in life though I’m not suicidal but I’m not thrilled about life at the same time Every time I try to feel a little normal this storm of emotions kicks in and it feels like I can’t think of old days and my old life anymore with him not present Yes I’m struggling to move on but I’m not hoping to either I just want to very quickly join him somehow I must say my life isn’t very exciting either I live alone I work at surgery and most of the time I rarely see people who are not patients themselves I don’t have colleagues I can interact with I’m alone in the room

I avoid seeing my family because of the house they live in floods in his memories of pain, helplessness, tears, lostness, weakness etc I avoid visiting the cemetery because I keep hearing voices and I think he is still alive under there and I must dig him out

I get these bouts of actually visual storm I’m under in my head with very strong air currents blowing things away

I absolutely hate talking to anyone about this since no one can relate or know how I actually feel

But this storm hurts a lot I’m not excited for life but it would be easier and less painful without this storm Has anyone got any tips to help? I did enrol myself in courses but it just made it stronger