microdosing my magic toad vape to get through an incredibly stressful x-mas

So mom's got Parkinson's and dementia, both late stage. I've been compartmentalizing it because I grew up in a family where we pushed certain things under the rug.

I usually get seasonal depression around this time of year. Sometimes it continues way into the Spring, which is worrisome. I'm getting married in June and I feel like I really haven't been doing my part in the planning. I haven't showered in 5 days, self care has been using high doses of kratom extracts daily to get through the day.

I got a pen from my shaman last week and while I of course had my regular breakthrough, I realize that the $400 I paid him should have gone towards gifts for friends and family. I try to be there for my mom as often as I can. She mostly still recognizes me as someone familiar, but mostly confuses me for either my brother or her brothers. Her sentences trail off into nonsense and she realizes the disease has taken away her words and breaks into tears.

Not the usual kind I've seen from her growing up, angry, paranoid tears. She says horrible things about my dad every time I see her. We got her nurses and of course "the nurses are stealing from her and taking pictures of her naked etc.". She's almost unrecognizable and requires 24/7 supervision because she will forget she cannot walk unassisted and ends up falling and biting through her cheek or having further damages to her back and knees.

Anyways, I'm not looking for a magic solution, there isn't one. I've been microdosing the toad to bring me into a more empathetic brain state since my emotions have become so clouded. I don't even know if it was worth spending almost all my money on when I don't even have presents for my dad or my brother. I don't think I even have anything personal for my fiancé. (If anyone wants to send me recommendations she's a Capricorn bohemian artist type with a huge heart)

I can't tell if the 5-meo is opening me up in a healthy way long-term or is it just a band-aid? Should I be avoiding it during times like this? I'm not really doing too hot emotionally, financially, mentally etc. I'm gonna head to the gym to just run out some of this anger I have at myself and the universe. I'm sorry this post is disjointed, congrats if you made it this far. any advice on some way to get through this dark time would be warmly appreciated to the fullest. Hope you guys are also at least trying to take care of yourselves. This time of year is tough.