What do you think ?

For a better context and understanding of the situation I advise you to read my story with the links below, so you can have an idea of what made me so anxious (please excuse my poor grammar).

Part 1 : https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/m0PBQ5hhqR

Part 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/qtmVjhZY3H

I will assume you read my previous posts. I (19M) stopped SH almost four years ago on December 2021. I stopped it all by myself without anyone’s help. Note that my SH always came in pair with an eating disorder.

Three weeks ago I relapsed after what happened. I started SH again and didn’t eat anything for three whole days. I am now down to one meal per day and I SH twice a week. Also I can’t sleep at night and my grades have been degrading.

What I can’t bare is the fact that I made my best friend of 12 years feel uncomfortable and that he didn’t even feel like he could talk to me. I feel disgusting for that. There’s also the fact that my friends now label me as a SHer, they didn’t explicitly say it but they treat me as such.

My friends used to be my everything. I always tied to be free on weekends to hang out with them. They were my first thought in the morning and my last thought before falling asleep.

It just feels so lonely now because I have no one to talk to. I have so many thoughts yet no one to share them with. No one wants to hear my side of the story. Those who messaged me said that we couldn’t remain in good terms after that but that I shouldn’t isolate myself. It sounds like hypocrisy to me but what would I know.

I don’t know what Dan told them and it’s making me mad. I am SURE that he didn’t mention some crucial details. I am not blaming him, he is only recalling what he remembered as a victim, even though it was consensual and I asked him multiple times if he was okay afterwards.

I just know that some parts of my story would just sound WILD to them. I would probably be accused of lying. Dan said 3 weeks ago that we should make a call to discuss it. But it never happened even though he told the others that we would. It’s been 3 weeks since I didn’t get any news from him.

It’s been 3 weeks and Im still spiralling about it. Sometimes when I take the subway I see people that look very similar to my old friends, and I freeze instantly on the verge of collapsing. Turns out they look nothing alike and it’s just my imagination

Also I’m supposed to meet my friend on Thursday (the one who pretended to not know the situation), so I hope the discussion will be useful. Although I don’t know if I can trust her to NOT rely my issues to the whole friend group. I don’t want them to feel bad for me because I don’t want THEIR compassion. They would probably be like “we understand“ but they NEVER can. You can’t truly understand something unless you go through it. Most of them haven’t been SAed two times in their childhood, they don’t know what it’s like to have abandonment issues, SH or an ED. They will never understand.

I really hope I can get better.

Anyway thanks for reading everything, please comment if you have any thoughts to share !